Erase

yes,one simple word that could change the world.erase.it can be either good or bad,depending on your intentions.birthdays are supposed to last 24 hours,which explains why i say mine is not over yet despite the fact that birthday wishes have stopped flowing as rapidly as before.no,it's not.in fact,i've decided to give myself a gift,by being a new person.i will stand least for things that upset me,and truly appreciate things that cause otherwise.i'm a survivor.today,as i believe what could have been 'it' came into vanity,i have erased each and every spec of trace that resorts to memories relating to the likes of 'you'.'you' are not worth my pennies,my words,my tears,my time or even my thoughts.'you' don't deserve me.'you' never existed,never did and never will.everything was so surreal and right now i have a thousand regrets.so i say,farewell.may we not see each other again for i have been through.today,i have justified my stand.there is no way will there be a second chance for you or my false hopes and dreams.this time i mean it.and yes,it's a major relief and i am glad i erased and got rid off everything.past will be past,not remembering it will lead to a silly repetition,therefore it will be among the historical archives,a torch,that shines the pathway to the downfoot and uphill destinations.this will never ever happen again,this i promise you,from the bottom of my heart,with my eyes facing the mirror,a vow that shall never be broken no matter what.

-Yana
good bye wishful thoughts.

Good Gone Girl Turns 17!!



NO GIVING UP WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG AND YOU WANT SOME!!

hellooooooo all! as you may or may not know,today i'm turning 17 years old! by far,my birthday has been a blast.my birthday eve was spent getting eating shrimp pizza with my mom and sis and getting squashed in between a wild a crowd at the Kau Dan Aku Mini Showcase at Plaza Alam Sentral Shah Alam yesterday.to be perfectly frank,the show sucked.there were too much talking,useless games and uncivilized people among the crowd.nevertheless,i had fun watching the performances and during the meet and greet as well.the crowd was pushing each other so much so that i felt like giving up,but thanks to my strong will i managed to get up on stage for the autograph session.we were forbidden from taking photos with the celebrity but well,me being myself,i did it anyway,with the help of noni.yay noni!



aril was awesome and superfriendly! i decided to buy him and akim a heart-shaped lollipop each from chocolate circles.akim seems to enjoy the lollipop a lot,what a manchild! XDD he had that lollipop in his mouth even during an interview!



it was fun meeting my pet sis,ate sher,as well.it's been years since we've known eachother.it's good to finally meet her,eventhough just for a while.

as for the night,my phone inbox,my facebook wall,my twitter are all flooded with birthday wishes.it was very overwhelming to know the amount of love i get from so many people around me.they're like family to me eventhough none of us are blood-related.it's fun,to say the very least.i can't thank them all here but i'll try to thank them according to categories:

special thanks to my family,biological or adopted, for all the love that molded me into what i am today,and everything that all of you have done for me,all the sacrifice this whole 17 years,thank you.

to my muarian besties,thanks for still remembering my birthday.it proves a lot of things but the most obvious one is of course,how true and pure our friendship trully is.thank you.

to my facebook/myspace sisters and brothers,thanks for being there for me.we're tight as heck despite knowing eachother less than a decade ago.thanks for sticking by me and willing to listen to me when i whine.thanks for laughing with me as well.

to fellow MFC-ers,either you're from the MJ thread or chicken fm,thanks for making me smile.thanks for sharing my fangirl-ness and obsession towards mika! haha.and thanks for being there when no one else did.

to my damansarian besties,we have not known each other for long but i do hope our friendship will be eternal.may we have a colourful friendship ahead of us.

those were my expression of gratitude to everyone,how about my wish?birthday wishes are cliche' aren't they?if i were to make a general one,i'd say i want success in life both in the present world and hereafter.if i were to specify:

1.outstanding results in my spm.
2.to reach my goal of being a software engineer and part-time musician.
3.a boyfriend,hahah.honestly..
4.loyalty and trust from everyone i know.
5.MJ's this is it DVD. :P
6.a guitar tuner
7.a metronome for tempo improvement.
8.Mika's limited edition coke bottle from france :P
9.Mika's Parc Des Princes DVD :P
10.Mika's Blame It On The Girls Single :P

i guess that's about it.now i can do homework in peace knowing that i've finally finished a review of my 17th birthday.i'll see ya guys later!

this is my song for the special day,why?because it seems so biographical to me XD:

-Yana
i am golden!!

Raining With Misfits



i know how i shouldn't really be staying up this late,but i feel the need to post this up.tonight,for some particular reason,there were sudden outbursts of fireworks coming from the middle of the forest.it was magnificent.i ran to grab my camera,only to realise the battery was flat,so by the time i got by my phone,the display paused.i was slightly disappointed for missing it,but eventually i got lucky when it started all over again.it's not as glorious as those on independence day or in disneyland,but the thought of getting to view it in the comfort of my own living room is what makes it so special.kinda reminds me of mika's Rain video where he ran away from some odd forest creatures,with the sky pouring with fireworks.magical..magical indeed.







Is it really necessary
Every single day
Making me more ordinary
In every possible way

This ordinary mind is broken
You did it and you don't even know
Leaving me with words unspoken
You better get back cuz I'm ready for...

More than this
Whatever it is
Baby, I hate days like this
Caught in a trap
I can't look back
Baby I hate days like this

When it rain, rain, rains
It rain, rain, rains
When it rain, rain, rains
It rain, rain, rains
When it rain, rain, rains
It rain, rain, rains
When it rain, rain, rains
It rain, rain, rains
More than this...
Baby I hate days like

Trying to be ordinary
Was it me who was the fool?
Thought you found the man you wanted
until you turn him into something new

Well even if our minds are broken
There's something that I need you to know
It's nothing like the life we wanted
You better move on
Cuz I'm ready for

More than this
Whatever it is
Baby, I hate days like this
Caught in a trap
I can't look back
Baby I hate days like this

When it rain, rain, rains
It rain, rain, rains
When it rain, rain, rains
It rain, rain, rains
When it rain, rain, rains
It rain, rain, rains
When it rain, rain, rains
It rain, rain, rains
More than this...
Baby I hate days like this

(Spoken)
I'm not angry
Don't know what to do
After all the years that I spent with you
I can't blame you for the things you say
I was using you just to hide away

More than this
Whatever it is
Baby, I hate days like this
Caught in a trap
I can't look back
Baby I hate days like this


When it rain, rain, rains
It rain, rain, rains
When it rain, rain, rains
It rain, rain, rains
When it rain, rain, rains
It rain, rain, rains
When it rain, rain, rains
It rain, rain, rains

When it rain, rain, rains
It rain, rain, rains
When it rain, rain, rains
It rain, rain, rains
When it rain, rain, rains
It rain, rain, rains
When it rain, rain, rains
It rain, rain, rains
More than this...
Baby I hate days like this

-Yana
when it rains..

Two Voices Collide



i miss this so much.my duet session with Desiree just now singing our song "This Is Me" brings back so many memories.if only all 50 of us can meet up again someday,along with the camp instructors.i miss Camp Rock!

-Yana
missing those 50 maggots yang syok sendiri,haha.

Mika-Intoxicated

Totally depressing, you treat me like a fool,
Am I caught up in the reasons,
For the stupid things you do,
So intoxicated, theres nothing I can say,
And I feel as if I'm bleeding,
From a thousand miles away

All the stars- fading, so are mine,
All the tears- breaking, so must I

You're totally depressing, you treat me like a fool,
Am I caught up in the reasons,
[ Find more Lyrics on http://mp3lyrics.org/DEzH ]
For the stupid things you do,
You're so intoxicated, theres nothing I can say,
But I feel as if I'm bleeding,
From a thousand miles away

And All the stars are fading, and so are mine,
And all the tears- breaking, so must I

[Bridge]

Totally depressing, you treat me like a fool,
Am I caught up in the resons,
For the stupid things you do,
You're so intoxicating, theres nothing I can say,
And I feel as if I'm bleeding,
From a thousand miles away

-Yana
hello insomnia.

Pointlessly Delicious

somehow,i managed to get over mr papa bear (at least for once) but the bad news is i've developed a very unhealthy obsession for chicken..errr i mean,MIKA! it's worse than obsession for food OR shopping because it involves mental health instead of financial or physical health.



this yummy boy got me staring at the desktop for hours and hours without shifting to anything else! all i ever googled/youtubed for are his videos.it's crazy isn't it?and as you all know,*cough* i am the malaysian mfc representative.apart from studying and guitars,i keep spending my time and putting a HUMONGOUS effort in organizing the Malaysian Blame It On The Girls Dance Event,surveying venues,inviting people to join,promoting..sometimes when i got back to reality,i think it's getting out of hand.i'm only 17 and i'm acting as if i'm a major publicist of some sort.nevertheless,my dear readers,don't take this as a rant.i'm not complaining,i love my job but i am partially aware of my current mental health.my only source of happiness seems to be my moments with God,my family,my guitar and mika.i can't depend on friends OR my hopeless love life.my friends are living their own lives and i should be living mine.but anyway,enough with the negative side of it.let's look back at the few couple of years ago.life without mika.

life without mika is a trending topic among the mfc-ers.some would say there was no life,some would say too regular and some just remained speechless.as for me,my life was perfectly normal and i wasn't as mentally disturbed (to be very honest),ahaha.but there was no colour to it.life is just ordinary.i wear ordinary clothes,i like what people want me to like- a major miss push-over.in a shorter note,i had no backbone.i tried very hard to blend in with everyone by being someone i'm not,it was hell.

afterwards,somehow,i came to an epiphany.i was watching MTV and i saw a really unique music video.



the music was beautiful as well as solemn and moving.odd,but there's something about it.i couldn't catch the name of the artist.he's gorgeous and very different form all the other stars i've watched and adored (except for michael jackson).after awhile,i assumed the song was entitled 'Happy Ending'and before i knew it,i was a member of his fanclub.now my desktop and hard drive are flooded with his pictures and music.even my CD collections consists 75% of Mika music.i don't know if this addiction is supposed to be a good thing or otherwise,but what i do know is the fact that his presence in my life (despite not knowing him personally)somewhat changes a lot about me.i appeal my true colour,wear whatever i want and basically do anything that makes me happy (based on rationale of course).so far,life has been treating me well.mika's music spoke to me a lot.he has been through some really tough times but that's what makes him who he is.he may not give out obvious messages like michael used to,but he speaks through his music in his own ways.

and that's why i love MIKA!




lately,i've became very ignorant about love.i just don't feel the need of it.i'm not desperate,i can be happy with or without it.so,right now,if asked,i will admit that i'm in love,not with papa bear but with my MIKA :)

-Yana
mika mika mika!

Happy Ending



papa bear,i've never spoken to you,
let alone tell you what's true,
but everyday i see you,
doing all the things you do;
papa bear,you have no talent,
except a persona made from heaven,
unknown to many,
yet obvious to me;
papa bear,i'm invisible to you,
but to me,you're all things new,
you stand out from the crowd,
this you shall never doubt;
papa bear,you'll never know me,
as how i shall never know thee,
for i shall let it be,
whether or not meant to be...

-Yana
i feel as if i'm wasted,and i'm wasted everyday.

Love Jinx



maybe it is a curse.maybe it's an eternal curse or perhaps,a curse that can only be broken by marriage ties.falling in love in february,getting your heart broken knowing that all these while you have been living by nothing but illusions.if only life is as beautiful as the movies.love stories are always sweet while reality is usually otherwise.once again,it happens to me.i start to fall out of love and back in,and now out again.my heart is practically immune to the obstacles,twists and turns that i have to go through each time cupid strikes his arrow through my heart and soul.i'm not bothered anymore,really.i should accept the fact that i may or may never find true love,ever.only time will tell.the most recent love story i had was a major flop as well when i found out that the total stranger i fell for is already in a long-distance relationship.as far as i disbelieve in the loyalty of such affairs,i refuse to wreck the happiness of others.let me be the lonely one,and i shall wait for love to come by.i hope it won't be too soon.still trying to recover from this minor cut (yes minor.because i have yet to fall head over heels for him,fortunately).

-Yana
a love jinx,a freak of nature.

Out Of Focus



welcome to my overrated lovey-dovey mood post! it's been awhile since i last felt this way,and that was way back in 2009 (around the same time).perhaps it is true that february is the month of love since i tend to fall in love each year particularly in the month of february.either it be coincidence or a curse,it doesn't really matter.what sucks the most about it is the fact that i don't think my love or admiration will ever be returned.well,at least the previous one had some sort of hope,but this time round,no luck.getting your friend request rejected,your presence ignored and having only the mere opportunity to catch a glimpse of someone whom you love secretly each day isn't really the type of love story i had in mind.i imagined something more like a fairy tale that starts off bitter and ends up as sweet as it can be.alas,i get otherwise either it's the other way around or plainly bitter all the way through.i'm not bothered in any way,it's just that,if only there's a way to shake off all these feelings and get my life back on track as it used to be when i wasn't in love.life was smooth sailing since i fell out of love a few months ago and now i'm back on the roller coaster ride.loop-de-loop,over and under again,it's driving me NUTS!! worst still,i have an essay due this tuesday and all i did today was loiter around with my mom and aunt (which was actually better than staying miserably at home) and burning my night away just thinking about my ever unsuccessful love story.it's ridiculous and i've been trying to put a stop to it since forever.no,it doesn't seem to work.i know what i should be focusing on instead but being human makes these feelings inevitable.how i wish i didn;t have to move out of convent this soon.at least i shouldn't have to face any troubles adapting.love finally fades away and comes back again with a bigger impact.dear God,show me the way.don't get me wrong,i love this damansarian life,but i hate the re-falling in love part of it.i need love,but not your sympathy.

-Yana
too solemn to celebrate my finding of mika's deluxe album.

Maybe I Need Love

Your Sympathy - Mika

Running out of breath
Chasing down the big parade, rising up my hand, thought I'd beg the marching band to play, for me
all of these illusions, they really mean the world to me, me

Don't make me out to be this helpless child of misery, maybe love is what I need
but not your sympathy

In and out of space, I'm always somewhere in between,
I try to make commands but instead I make a mess of things, for me

I try paint by numbers, but nothing's black and white to me

Don't make me out to be this helpless child of misery, maybe love is what I need
but not your sympathy

Nothing and no one can make your lies the truth, and no one can stand inside your shoes but you

Don't make me out to be this helpless child misery, maybe love is what I need
but not your sympathy
but not your sympathy

life is like a harsh teacher who prefers to let us learn from our own mistakes rather than spoon-feed us all the necessary lessons.nevertheless,believe it or not,life is the best teacher you could ever imagine.it doesn't talk much,it doesn't judge you and it doesn't speculate.all it does is teach you in finding the right way in every day life.this is why i value life more than anything.

in this case,what life thought me about the most is regarding love.Love is general.everything requires love.a child requires tender love and concern from his or mother to grow up to become an able person who plays an important part in changing the world.love is needed to bake lovely cookies or to make plants grow.in short,love makes the world go round.love can either make you or break you,it pretty much depends on how you handle it.also,how easily do you fall in love.this is where i have always been mistaken.loving someone doesn't always mean gaining back the love,that's what i've learnt.that is one thing that i don't understand about the worldly orders,everything seems so perfect,the water cycle,the food webs,the circle of life etc,but what about love?why is it so hard to find a mutual one?just like nature,nature loves human beings but i don't see that love being returned at all.okay,i talk too much sometimes.going straight to the point, i have this minor crush on my new tuitionmate.it's been 3 months actually.it started off with sympathy of him being a bully material all the time,which ironically revolved to a minor feeling that i despise so much,slight crush.afterwards,i started to see him very frequently at school.i wanted to know his name just for fun,so i caught a glimpse of his name tag on his blazer one fine morning.pretty much contented,i got stuck with the wrong idea of his name for months.it wasn't long until i spilled the beans to ily during our study group,and today,i realized that i got his name wrong all along!!! he's a prefect,so guys have this habit of sharing stuff with their friends.he switched blazers with one of his friends,so the name tag is basically his friend's,not his.now i know what his real name is,yet he doesn't know me,or probably will never know me.i'll usually freeze in his presence or couldn't act natural as i usually do.take for instance,today Ily brought an album of photos from the past year school events.among them are class portraits of 4 Aktif and 4 Amanah.he stood right in front of me,excitedly flipped the album (the pages almost hit my nose but i didn't really mind! ftw...) and looked for his picture.it was pretty cute of him actually,heheheh..it was then i realised how easily i fall for people.i read amanda byne's tweet saying that one should only fall for someone who is willing to catch him/her and for once,she's got a point.maybe it's just a minor crush,who cares if i can't stop thinking about him or blush when he's nearby.i've learnt my lesson,i won;t easily give away my heart anymore.let it be a minimal admiration (for now).

-Yana
emotions go away!!!