Thursday, September 8, 2011

Narrating My Life part 2 - Philophobia

"I may be physically here but I am emotionally elsewhere.."

This line is neither from a song nor a movie quote,instead it's from the bottom of my heart. I can't deny the fact that I've had a blast during Eid, the Northern Peninsular Trip,I'll just let the photos do the talking in a separate post later when I'm in the mood.Currently,I've been feeling jaded, and somewhat overwhelmed by all these emotions encircling my mind. You can ask some of my closest friends, they knew how i broke down while I was in Penang. I had a gush of depression, it feels like being stabbed in the heart with a thousand daggers.It hit me so suddenly that I had no idea how to react.Negative vibes surrounded my mind and at some point,i feel like giving up everything i've ever wanted : love and music.I feel that I'm incompetent and useless; and I might not succeed in both at all. What I needed was a friend and I'm glad I had one to talk to,at least now I feel less.. useless.I was happy earlier today,the day couldn't be anymore perfect.I've gotten awesome results for my finals,but what hurt me the most is the fact that i'm yet again falling for another guy,who will potentially be another reason for my inner pain.It's all going well,I thought we're only gonna remain friends ,then these stupid feelings just HAD to come by,and i noticed I have a constant emotional pattern every year:

in May: I'll start getting to know a great guy who eventually disappears into thin air,giving me an impression that he will be nothing more than a one-day crush.
in June : I'll somehow bump into him more than I expect,and the crush on him returns.
in July : Our friendship develops due to the frequent encounters,and the feelings start to revolve more and more each day ; something i term as love-crush transition stage.
in August : I'd realise the feeling is going too far and I might have fallen for him already.
in September : I'd feel that it's one-sided (without asking him, just a paranoid assumption) and start to give up on myself.

This roller coaster of emotion goes on every year as if it's a routine I can never neglect.It hurts to repeat the same mistakes all over again.And yesterday,thanks to Maira,I discovered the root of my emotional disturbance:
I'm suffering from a mental condition known as Philophobia (fear of falling in love or being in love). as ridiculous as it sounds,it's actually a serious problem if it gets any worse.I found a site speaking all about philophobes and most of the symptoms actually occur to me.

A little extract from what I've read:

  • Philophobia is the fear of emotional attachment; fear of being in, or falling in love
Medical science defines philophobia as an abnormal, unwarranted and persistent fear of falling in love. Its name comes from two Greek roots – "philo" meaning love and "phobia" meaning fear of. This fear of love isn't merely a distressing emotional condition; it results in actual physical symptoms, and may even heighten a person's alienation from all people, family, friends, co-workers and neighbors.
In other words, the mind is thinking that falling in love poses a life-or-death threat to such a degree that it automatically prepares the body to fight for survival. This excessive emotional response forms one of the clearest signs that a person is in the grip of a phobia, in this case, the fear of love.

In addition, philophobia produces a distinct set of physical symptoms. Philophobia symptoms range from nervousness or restlessness in the presence of the opposite sex, to feelings of absolute dread at the prospect of meeting someone. In its most extreme cases, philophobia can cause the equivalent of a full-blown panic attack: sweating, irregular heartbeat, shortness of breath, nausea and an intense need to escape from the presence of the potential lover.
As with all phobias, psychiatrists and psychologists aren't in 100% agreement on what sets off philophobia. Sometimes a person dwells on bitter memories of past relationship that didn't go well or that ended badly. Or the sufferer may have an intense fear of rejection and avoids relationships as a way to avoid the embarrassment of being refused by a potential lover. Others may have gone through an acrimonious divorce and be convinced that falling in love again will only lead to another painful divorce or breakup. "
Check out the underlined text,those are what I'm currently experiencing. So far I'm still in the initial stage of the condition whereby I have yet to suffer physical side effects.I'm glad this mental condition can be treated,maybe i really should see a councilor soon before things get worse,but not a soul should tell my family about this.I'm not crazy and it's a minor problem that I think I'm capable of solving on my own,the only issue now is whether or not it'll work.I knew I was mentally wrong somewhere; all the mixed feelings i've been having,the flashbacks of past relationships that haunt me in my sleep and when i'm in idle mode,it makes me lose focus on the real world.Sometimes when i talk to people,i only have enough retention span to listen to half of the conversation,while my mind remains elsewhere.i can't afford to let this run loose,i have a whole new semester to focus on and i can't screw up!
The worst part is,when fear leads to ego.I admit,i think like individuals who (with no disrespect whatsoever) has too many balls.I am to egoistic to admit that I'm in love.I practically repel people I like and what sucks the most is that somehow,as much as I want the feeling to be mutual (in that case I'd be lucky),I want it to be one-sided.It's crazy because I feel that if it's mutual,it's gonna put me into another attachment that might or might not end in a good way. GP is a nice guy.I don't want to hurt him nor do I want our beautiful friendship to ever end.
Should I just let these feelings go?