i hate myself sometimes.i seem to succeed in other areas of my life, academics,social life,music.. but why not love? i never seem to be good enough to play along in this complex game.nothing ever works for me.and wanna know the saddest part?all my so-called relationships end up in a ditch.they're like nuclear chain reactions,one thing leads to another,but in the end it shrinks from a huge nucleus of matter into a million shattered pieces.after-effects? tremendous.
a guy talks to me > i find him decent > i have a crush on him > crush evolves to love > guy confesses and we discover our mutual emotions > we end up together > one of us screws up > relationship ends > we're strangers
same old boring drill that never seems to end.there's also another chain:
i have a deluded crush on someone who doesn't know i exist > i find out he has a gf/ likes someone else
can you see where i'm getting to? i'm sick of it,sometimes i just wanna give up and give way to traditional arranged marriage instead.then again,it should be stupid to force yourself to love someone after marriage,what if it doesn't work? what if the emotions develop but are forever...synthetic? think about it.
i am currently in a pathetic waiting phase,yet again.but i've learned the hard way not to give out too much.keep some of the emotions for myself.
i can't believe i would wait for you to talk to me everyday,and look forward to every moment we spend together even if it's only for a few seconds.one question remains, are you worth it?
i sat alone.you came by asking "are you waiting for someone?" my heart screamed "yes,i'm waiting for you!" but my mouth uttered "no,no one.i'm doing my work here." how stupid can i get sometimes?
i hope i could break the chain reaction and make something work out this once in my 18 years of love-failing life.
