Sunday, January 29, 2012

I close my eyes, and all I see is you

"I close my eyes,and all I see is you..
I close my eyes, I tried to sleep but I can't forget you.."
- Mark Hoppus (featured in Simple Plan's "I'd Do Anything")

So lately I've been busy preparing myself for finals before I graduate from foundation and step into the degree world,I've sacrificed quite a number of things including outings with my friends. Also the fact that my laptop died the other day,spent 2 days trying to figure out what was wrong with it and when I finally did, I decided to buy a new laptop instead.. so there goes my new phone fund,not that I give a damn though.
THUS! The lack of updates.Then again, in spite of how critical it is,I feel the need of ranting about this here for all you readers to make a little judgement and perhaps, give me some feedback. It might be none of your concerns to some of you, but to me, it has driven me nuts for ages now. This is stupid but do you guys think this guy I;ve been having a crush on since last year will actually turn out to be the soulmate i've been seeking for my whole life?

 Many a time have I mentioned that these feelings are getting out of hand,and the reason I privatized my tweets is because I don't want him to judge me, and there are some stuff that I'd like to rant about him there.It's safe to say that he doesn't really read my blog, simply because he hates reading as much as I do. There you go,that's only a tip of the iceberg regarding how many things we have in common, favorite song,dislikes, it sometimes creeps me out how much we like and dislike the same stuff.Admittedly,I miss the times when he doesn't have a clue about how I feel (not sure if he does now),it all seemed so normal and back then I was more deluded than ever - for a very strange reason, that sense of delusion does wonders to me and gives me a reason to smile. I feel so pretentious now, pretending I don't care and pretending that these feelings are merely unreal.

Who am I kidding, seriously.. I wasn't wrong when I confessed here that I'm in love with this guy, people know it, either by words that slipped through my own mouth, through words spread by my own friends or rather, just by observation. It couldn't get anymore obvious that I need at least two minutes to go to normal Yana mode in his presence. It's crazy to think that it's happening to me again. Around him I'd feel uneasy (but in a good way) and I barely have anything to say unless someone else is with us,simply because when my mind is in idle mode, the 'screensaver' would be all my fantasies about him, and you know how awkward it gets when the subject of your thoughts suddenly shows up right in front of you,with that mesmerizing smile of his and that intoxicating natural scent to prove that he's real.

Every night,I admit, before I sleep,I'd fantasize ending up with him. He doesn't appear in my dreams as frequent as I want him to,maybe because he appears in most of my daydreams already.The less I see him,the more my brain thinks about him,and the more wishes I'd waste on him. He's a nice guy,I can't deny, although he did admit that he hasn't been switching on his feelings for the past 7 years, do you think I'm worth it? Scratch that, do you think he's worth it? What if he refuses to switch on his feelings at all? What if he does, but for someone else and my feelings will never be reciprocated? Will that render me unworthy of falling in love again?It sucks to think that this might just mean I'll be #foreveralone . I might have fallen too deep this time,and yes,it hurts,literally but I enjoy the pain. YES I'VE SAID IT, I ENJOY THE PAIN OF WAITING FOR SOMETHING THAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAPPEN AT ALL. I have no regrets. Call me a retard,but I would sit and wait for him forever if I could,unless a guy better than him shows up at my doorstep,which I doubt.

"I wouldn't term it as obsession,rather,a feeling that makes me human, and proves that I'm still alive inside and out.I love the pain." @leannascarlet #twitter

btw this is Mark Hoppus from Blink 182 :) Hope he'd visit Malaysia someday. Fingers crossed!