Sunday, December 11, 2011

Drops of Jupiter in my hair

"Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you
Even when I know you're wrong?

Can you imagine no first dance, freeze-dried romance
Five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had, and me?

But tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance
To dance along the light of day
And head back toward the Milky Way?

But tell me, did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way
To see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated?

And tell me, did you fall for a shooting star?
One without a permanent scar
And then you missed me
While you were looking for yourself?"

-"Drops of Jupiter" by Train.

do you guys remember this song back from the 90's? back in the days,music was like poetry with tunes,beautiful and abstract.this song,for instance,is one of the deepest songs i've known to love,but only know have I discovered the title and surprisingly,the songwriter is the dude who sings Hey Soul Sister! i fell in love with it instantly,just like seeing an old lover across the street and discovering that you still had feelings for him after all these years.right here,right now,in spite of all the interpretations of the wordings of this song,i find that the meaning behind it has something i can totally relate to right now: it's about a girl who loves a guy so much but then realizes that she has yet to find herself,only then can she love whole-heartedly,but the journey of self-discovery took so long that both her and the guy had changed personality wise.the guy then realizes bout her feelings,but it was too late because she might have already moved on.the song is about the guy hoping for her well-being,and hoping that she still remembers him and all the moments they once shared.could that happen to me and you?

a few months ago,i decided to do some self-discovery practices,reflecting on why none of my romantic relationships seem to work ever since i was much younger to this day,and why is it that i have little/no control over my own feelings,and it turned out i was afraid of commitments all was a shocking thing to find out,and it explained a lot about why i am so allergic to the word 'marriage',just mentioning the word gives me goosebumps,let alone discussing about it.i know,i'm not getting any younger,but it was clear to me that my feelings should be tamed and i should not overthink about them too much because i am not mentally and physically ready to fall in love or be in a serious relationship yet.i may think like a 30-year-old,but a part of me is still a child,with great fear of getting hurt again.past relationships haven't been good to me and they left me with traumatizing experiences,there was even a time when i hated the male population so much that i didn't even want to be friends with them.i guess shutting down my feelings will be the best resort for now,then again,i can't keep pretending i feel nothing while in truth,all i ever think about is you.i thought "out of sight,out of conversation,out of mind" would actually work out,but it doesn't.the less i see you,the less i talk to you,the less i talk ABOUT you,the more my mind thinks about you,and the more it assumes "what if".i tried to avoid talking about you with hopes that the feeling might go away on its own but i was dead wrong.the same consequence goes for my attempt to look for your flaws,i keep seeing your perfections drives me nuts sometimes to know that,thus far,you're the most perfect guy i've ever sucks even more that i secretly waste my wishes on you,even with the knowledge that wishing for a miracle to happen is beyond idiotic.i don't really know what keeps me waiting,i should be moving on by now but no,my heart insists on me to keep waiting for a shooting star to fall on my lap.i notice how we seldom talk or spend time with each other as much as before,i feel the void between us and the distance is growing wider as the days go it worth fighting for anymore?i'm sick and tired of all these crappy,delusional fairy tale endings i keep making up in my head,all these just have to it too much to ask for if i want these feelings to go away and we return to normal?i'm not sure if it's just me or are you tremendously changing into something i fear the most?i miss the old you,the crazy you,the sweet and gentleman you.why do you have to ruin it?why do my feelings always have to get in the way of an awesome friendship?i keep an unintentional recording of us having fun,we laughed,we joked,we had so much fun.what does it take to have those moments back?

i miss you,a lot that it hurts sometimes,and i wish you would just leave,so i have a reason to carry on life without you,and let go of all these false hope,and stop wasting my wishes on you.