Thursday, January 5, 2012

I have died everyday waiting for you

Strong words eh? Especially if you're a straight forward person,you might think,literal death?then resurrection followed by another death the next day?insane what love can do to one,i know,but take it poetically.not sure about everyone else,but being someone who's paradoxically afraid of commitments yet a hopeless romantic, i enjoy this so-called overplayed song,and i find the words to be beautiful.I'm sure most of the like-minded people would agree the first impression that this song gives to you makes you say "wow..i think i just found my perfect wedding song." that's what i thought too,but after much analysis,it's quite obvious that it's more of a 'waiting phase''s pleasant,yet you feel that really deep heartache burrowing from the bottom of your heart upon listening to it,provided that you keep your ears open for every single my case,i find myself lost in a trance of bittersweet sensation,until the last violin notes play to denote the end of the song,only then will i return to planet earth.Words have failed me,time and time again.I understand how tired people are to listen to how i feel anymore,with this in my knowledge,i no longer pour out my feelings to anyone.i prefer bottling them up,until they eventually fade on their own ;or rather,let my blog be the listener and my posts do the talking.this song of Christina Perri's speaks my heart out so much that it actually scares me sometimes how her songs are always related to one situation i'm currently in or another -- except for Jar of Hearts. observe the wordings:

"How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?"

Exactly.. she has a point.I fear commitments.I fear relationships,and above all,I'm allergic to the word marriage! I self-destruct every single potentially successful relationships I've ever had with the boys I loved for not even a concrete alibi.and yet,I'm in love?again? i keep asking myself,seriously?like again? damn...i never really learn do I?

But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer

Pretty obvious how my eyes will just voluntarily wander around in empty/crowded rooms, expecting his presence or sudden appearance out of nowhere,as always. Somehow,the more time I spend with him alone,the deeper I fall for him.It scares the heck outta me,because I've never fallen this deep.He might just be the one,but what if it's unrequited?Why am I so certain I'd end up with him?Just because we both have scary coincidences in life?
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more

 I did mention how I'll wait for a guy for a maximum of less than 6 months,heck I broke up with my ex after 6 months of dating him.It's ridiculous how I've been waiting for this guy for almost 8 months already,another 4 months and it'll be a year! Yes,it's torture to love someone knowing that they don't know how you feel,and worst still,they have no interest to know either.It hurts even more that you have to fake a smile in front of him,and try to act as natural as possible to ensure that absolutely no signals are given,as much as you want them to know how much you love them.Doesn't quite help with the fact that your subject of your thoughts is just inches away from you,and you can inhale their scent just to know they're real,you senses start to rise and before you know it,you're refraining your lips from smiling.It really sucks.If only you can just tell them straight up to their face that you love them,and that you don't care whether they love you back or otherwise.I certainly don't,honestly.I don't know what happened between him and me,we were so close.When we're bored or alone at home,we would occasionally catch up with each other,discuss some stupid random stuff or just about music/guitars.It's a perfect friendship,and something blew it.Now it's awkward just to wave at him,let alone talk to him at all.My friend did me a favor,breaking the awkwardness by trolling me,hoping i might get a word or two about his well-being.he replied,probably wondering why the sudden randomness,then again,I was rendered speechless,I replied nothing afterwards.I wish this silence would just go away,and I wish I knew what to say to him.
Time elapsed since I last seen him : 13 days. Missing him like fuck.If only I can tell him that,and if only I can still talk to him like a good friend would.Mairah's dream wasn't pretty.What if Mairah's crush likes me and 'he' likes Mairah?i'm not mentally prepared to see him love another,especially not my bestfriend.It's weird how I've been seeing white choc more than I see him,it's otherwise for Mairah though.we're both equally afraid.What if,the dream explains everything?I know it's ridiculous to trust the stuff you see in your mind as you're fast asleep,then again it could be a sign.It could be the answer to why he hasn't been talking much to me lately?He's distancing himself,and likewise on my side.
Time left till Put Your Heart On Tour: 9 days. well at least i have something to look forward to,also the fact that i'm entitled to one free rock zone ticket to see Avril in Feb after my finals.
gah speaking of finals.. need to work extra carry marks are not really making me happy at all.maybe all that hardwork will make me forget him,at least for awhile? sigh...