Thursday, August 25, 2011
Narrating my Life - part 1
it's weird,perhaps i've been watching too many chic flicks.it's been a week since i last came to campus,simply due to the one-week study break we have before the finals.first paper is over,Intro to Computing.i guess i did pretty well,except for the java coding part,i swear i have no idea how to do it.then again,the rest was fine.
walking into campus,i can't help but notice the fact that i keep having conversations with my mind,on and on again.it's as if i'm narrating my own life.it's cute if my life were a movie,but since it's reality,it's just plain wrong.as much as i love talking to myself when it comes to decision-making,i don't wanna accidentally murmur something else,that would make me look like i'm a potential cuckoo hut resident.
.................
that was on Monday.i still couldn't believe it's finally Thursday.last paper went well and the first semester is finally over! i really need a vacation from it all.i'm going out for iftar dinner with the family this Friday,and with my friends on Saturday.also heard that we're gonna go back to Perlis,my dad's hometown to celebrate Eid this year.it's about time,i miss the north.can't exactly remember when was the last time i went back to pay my aunts a visit.urgh,the pain of having almost my whole family living nearby,less excitement.gonna miss Din though,he's still in Sabah and he might not be able to be back for Eid this year.duty calls.
p/s: tis very awkward to share a table with a group of strangers,even if they're from your uni.first impression would make me look like a part of their gang considering how they are sitting 'around me' in spite of the other empty tables for them to sit around.then again,i appreciate the company,even if my existence is not really acknowledged.
*emo mode: on*
here i am in SLC waiting for Dex to come,we promised to jam together.it's been awhile.i don't blame him for being late,after all he does have classes.i finished my exam early,so it's kinda my fault that i'm alone. ALONE.. well it's not as bad as you think.sure,under certain circumstances it gets boring and depressing,but right now,i need time and space,i need to think a lot of things over.not just general shit,but stuff that i've been putting on hold due to other aspects of life with larger priority.now that i'm carefree,i'm finally thinking about it.the oast two days had been nothing but drama,not in a bad way though.you know those kind of love stories that make you go "grab his hand!" or "kiss him,dammit!"? those. honestly,when i like someone,i can be very pathetic,although i don't exactly show it,but i know i am - especially if that person fails to leave my mind when i daydream or in idle mode.(before you get any ideas,i'm talking about GP..not Dex.i like GP,not Dex).i absent-mindedly say his name in my every prayer,asking God whether he's 'the one'.i even prayed to God to show me his flaws that might make me change my mind about him,but God seems to be showing all his perfection within imperfections.it made me think,how do i fall out of love now?i'm falling in deeper,and i don't like the idea of pursuing another guy at all.i'm not desperate,i can totally live on my own,but things change since you said hi to me in May.on Monday,i looked around for you but you weren't there.my papers went well but i felt empty.the next day,i looked for you,again,but you were once again invisible.so i sat in a corner with my friends,out of the blue,you appeared just as i was talking about you.i addressed you as Jimmy,and had to cut the conversation off when you came to join us.you said you saw me doing my paper so attentively at 'your block'(typical uni classroom).i've never felt happier to know you actually notice my existence,will you ever notice my feelings for you though?
funny incident.we're talking about our courses,i brought up the fact that i hated reading but i don't mind sciences and my course doesn't require much reading except for the subject i was currently studying.you asked me how thick is the book i need to study. i did an estimation with my hand,and you asked me to do it again. "This thick *finger gesture*" I said..
"How thick? Can you do it again?" i did as i was told.
"This.... *finger gesture*"
"Well mine is about... *places fingers very near to mine* this thick.. thicker than yours.."
i laughed,at both the fact that we're competing who's studying more and the fact that i thought he was gonna touch my hand and i refrained.He then started fiddling with my laptop again like he usually does,and was astonished i kept the code file he typed and saved the other day.it's no surprise,if only you knew why i wouldn't get rid of it.
to be continued... OMG that was awkward.i was just talking about him here and there he is,right in front of me,only metres away.
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Monday, August 22, 2011
Set Finals aside,Make Way for the night of a thousand nights
i may be having my finals starting tomorrow,but due to the fact that the ulamas have narrowed down the possible date of Lailatul Qadr' this year (which is believed to be one of the nights during the last 10 days of Ramadan: 21/23/27/29th Ramadan), i decided to set the finals aside tonight and trust all the facts i've studied throughout the week to not miss out a chance in increasing my voluntary deeds.Allah knows,i might not be able to experience next year's Lailatul Qadr',nauzubillah.
it is believed that this night,Allah opens His doors to your prayers and His angels descend to earth to keep track of your good deeds,of which will be rewarded benefits more than usual days/nights.
so Muslims,don't miss out on this opportunity.tonight might be it :)
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Saturday, August 20, 2011
500 days of Summer (love)
believe it or not,i've encountered this situation with quite a number of guys before..then i saw this movie.it made me think,what the hell?
*roleplay: me as Summer. the rest are some dudes.
McKenzie: [drunk] So do you have a boyfriend?
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Friday, August 19, 2011
What's My Age Again?
sometimes it's just fun to revisit your childhood and look back into the things you used to love as a child ; toys,music,food.i'm sick of being a grown-up sometimes,too many problems and issues.so today,as I was researching a toy site for my E-business exam paper next week,i found some really cool toys.
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Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I'll only Fall for you if you're there to catch me.
He is almost perfect because he is:
(/)Funny << he did crack a lot of jokes and poked almost everyone in the gang.
(/)Sensitive << he cares about his mom having iftar alone at home.
(/)Spiritually-fulfilled << he puts religion before anything else.
(/)Musically-inclined << well duh,he plays guitar.
(/)Intelligent
(/)High common sense.
()Friendly to everyone.
How can i not love this guy?Then again,he treats everyone the same way,he's just naturally friendly to everyone as long as he's comfortable with a particular person.It's hard to tell if he feels the same way.It's hard for HIM to tell if i feel that way for him too,i don't quite show it.I have a tendency to give out mix signals.
What are the odds of us having 'mutual crush' on each other anyway? You know what,i'm walking away for now,and i'll only turn back if you run after me and tug on my hand,or catch me when i fall.
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Monday, August 15, 2011
Whenever I'm indifferent ...
ever had those days when you have a mixture of too many emotions that you just don't fucking care less anymore?i'm having it now,a sense of indifference,a kind of inner death in a way as some would describe it as.sometimes i'm so misunderstood that i don't fucking give a damn if people like me or not.i just wanna survive this hellhole and get it over with.
tell me honestly,what DO you want from me anyway?why won't you let me grow up?how long do you want me to be 8 years old in terms of restrictions?i'm growing too big for this shell,sooner or later i WILL be forced to evacuate to a new one,ya know?let me get this straight,you want me to think,look and act like an 18-year-old,but why are you treating me like i was born yesterday? can you please,for once,let me fuck up and learn from it?i can't be dependent forever,what happens when i have to work my shit on my own?do you think i'd survive if i've never developed an immunity for it before it happens? absolutely NOT.so please,STOP.i beg you,just STOP this nonsensical excuse for a so-called disciplinarian attempt.i'm eighteen damn years old,i know what i'm doing.i know i'm capable of making mistakes but that's how i strengthen myself from external threats.
do you know why i work hard on my grades?to get myself outta my own prison.i want nothing more than to face the real world and sink myself in deep shit, escaping on my own.that's the way it should be.being the youngest child shouldn't stop that from happening,it is after all a phase of life that EVERYONE has to eventually face sooner or later in their lives,it's just a matter of time.i'm not being selfish,but sorry to say,YOU ARE.
then again,out of due respect,i can't say this out loud,therefore,my beloved blog will be the perfect place to express it all.i can curse all i want and freedom of speech is NOT off-limits.
well enough ranting for one day,here's what made me partly emotional and happy at the same time.
FIC March 2011 Taylor's Lakeside Uni's last day of the 1st semester. can't believe it's the 'last day of school' and we survived! well,somehow. we have a week of study leave starting tomorrow before battling the finals! hope everything goes well,see ya guys in the next semester.let's try NOT to flunk any papers and maintain the batch for the whole foundation year aite? and second sem lecturers,BEWARE!
p/s: i wrote a song for 'him', it's called Out Of The Blue. i'm gonna post it up,that's a sure thing! stay tuned.
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Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Breaking the Reaction Chain
i hate myself sometimes.i seem to succeed in other areas of my life, academics,social life,music.. but why not love? i never seem to be good enough to play along in this complex game.nothing ever works for me.and wanna know the saddest part?all my so-called relationships end up in a ditch.they're like nuclear chain reactions,one thing leads to another,but in the end it shrinks from a huge nucleus of matter into a million shattered pieces.after-effects? tremendous.
a guy talks to me > i find him decent > i have a crush on him > crush evolves to love > guy confesses and we discover our mutual emotions > we end up together > one of us screws up > relationship ends > we're strangers
same old boring drill that never seems to end.there's also another chain:
i have a deluded crush on someone who doesn't know i exist > i find out he has a gf/ likes someone else
can you see where i'm getting to? i'm sick of it,sometimes i just wanna give up and give way to traditional arranged marriage instead.then again,it should be stupid to force yourself to love someone after marriage,what if it doesn't work? what if the emotions develop but are forever...synthetic? think about it.
i am currently in a pathetic waiting phase,yet again.but i've learned the hard way not to give out too much.keep some of the emotions for myself.
i can't believe i would wait for you to talk to me everyday,and look forward to every moment we spend together even if it's only for a few seconds.one question remains, are you worth it?
i sat alone.you came by asking "are you waiting for someone?" my heart screamed "yes,i'm waiting for you!" but my mouth uttered "no,no one.i'm doing my work here." how stupid can i get sometimes?
i hope i could break the chain reaction and make something work out this once in my 18 years of love-failing life.
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Tuesday, August 2, 2011
I don't wanna be a Girlfriend
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