I close my eyes, and all I see is you

"I close my eyes,and all I see is you..

I close my eyes, I tried to sleep but I can't forget you.."

- Mark Hoppus (featured in Simple Plan's "I'd Do Anything")

So lately I've been busy preparing myself for finals before I graduate from foundation and step into the degree world,I've sacrificed quite a number of things including outings with my friends. Also the fact that my laptop died the other day,spent 2 days trying to figure out what was wrong with it and when I finally did, I decided to buy a new laptop instead.. so there goes my new phone fund,not that I give a damn though.
THUS! The lack of updates.Then again, in spite of how critical it is,I feel the need of ranting about this here for all you readers to make a little judgement and perhaps, give me some feedback. It might be none of your concerns to some of you, but to me, it has driven me nuts for ages now. This is stupid but do you guys think this guy I;ve been having a crush on since last year will actually turn out to be the soulmate i've been seeking for my whole life?

 Many a time have I mentioned that these feelings are getting out of hand,and the reason I privatized my tweets is because I don't want him to judge me, and there are some stuff that I'd like to rant about him there.It's safe to say that he doesn't really read my blog, simply because he hates reading as much as I do. There you go,that's only a tip of the iceberg regarding how many things we have in common, favorite song,dislikes, it sometimes creeps me out how much we like and dislike the same stuff.Admittedly,I miss the times when he doesn't have a clue about how I feel (not sure if he does now),it all seemed so normal and back then I was more deluded than ever - for a very strange reason, that sense of delusion does wonders to me and gives me a reason to smile. I feel so pretentious now, pretending I don't care and pretending that these feelings are merely unreal.

Who am I kidding, seriously.. I wasn't wrong when I confessed here that I'm in love with this guy, people know it, either by words that slipped through my own mouth, through words spread by my own friends or rather, just by observation. It couldn't get anymore obvious that I need at least two minutes to go to normal Yana mode in his presence. It's crazy to think that it's happening to me again. Around him I'd feel uneasy (but in a good way) and I barely have anything to say unless someone else is with us,simply because when my mind is in idle mode, the 'screensaver' would be all my fantasies about him, and you know how awkward it gets when the subject of your thoughts suddenly shows up right in front of you,with that mesmerizing smile of his and that intoxicating natural scent to prove that he's real.

Every night,I admit, before I sleep,I'd fantasize ending up with him. He doesn't appear in my dreams as frequent as I want him to,maybe because he appears in most of my daydreams already.The less I see him,the more my brain thinks about him,and the more wishes I'd waste on him. He's a nice guy,I can't deny, although he did admit that he hasn't been switching on his feelings for the past 7 years, do you think I'm worth it? Scratch that, do you think he's worth it? What if he refuses to switch on his feelings at all? What if he does, but for someone else and my feelings will never be reciprocated? Will that render me unworthy of falling in love again?It sucks to think that this might just mean I'll be #foreveralone . I might have fallen too deep this time,and yes,it hurts,literally but I enjoy the pain. YES I'VE SAID IT, I ENJOY THE PAIN OF WAITING FOR SOMETHING THAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAPPEN AT ALL. I have no regrets. Call me a retard,but I would sit and wait for him forever if I could,unless a guy better than him shows up at my doorstep,which I doubt.

"I wouldn't term it as obsession,rather,a feeling that makes me human, and proves that I'm still alive inside and out.I love the pain." @leannascarlet #twitter



btw this is Mark Hoppus from Blink 182 :) Hope he'd visit Malaysia someday. Fingers crossed!

Get Your Heart On Adventure ! - 140112

A tad bit overdue because the concert was actually last Saturday, but you have gotta excuse me for my tardiness and lack of updates,as y'all know,i am indeed a graduating foundation student soon,and just like any other things in life (take for instance,a sprint) the nearer you get to the finishing line, the tougher the competition gets and of course, you'll start losing breath and such. ANYWAYS, not attempting to trail off any further from the point of focus, Here's what most of y'all have been waiting to hear from me, the story of one of the best nights of my life - as I'd like to call it,the "Night I Got My Heart On 140112".

The story began back in November 2011 (shut up..I'm trying to make it sound epic,hahaha) when Jason Lo randomly tweeted that Tune Talk was gonna bring in an overwhelming number of hot international acts next year. At first I was thinking, meh.. Must be some shit-ass act like the gay Nicki Mi-nasty or something, but alas, I was wrong! I have written how I jumped to his statements that mentioned two of my bucketlist of bands I'd like to see before I die: Simple Plan in January and Avril Lavigne in February! I was overjoyed, and my mind was so hyped up that I didn't even bother if I had no one to go with,I'd rock to them like a lone ranger if I need to.

GY <3 O Phase 1 : Pre-concert

However, luck seems to be on my side when this flier came out on Galaxie.

So my cousin tagged me on this flier on FB, of course my answer was YES in a heartbeat!

Well eff yeah, at least mom was less worried now that I have not just one,but TWO companions to go with. So we checked the AirAsia Redtix website every single day, until at last, the stage plan was out.

Of course, I would burn the last pennies I have to get a rock zone ticket.

I know what you're gonna say, woah.. I claim I'm broke but I can afford the VIP tickets for Simple Plan? oh hi.. there is such thing as savings :) THIS.. is what I've been saving for, that's why I cut down on other less interesting things. totally worth it guys,I didn't regret buying it even for a bit.

I only bought one ticket, the other two belonged to my cousins,btw. And I heard about the tie-up between Simple Plan & Avril's concerts, an offer of redeeming a complimentary rock zone Avril tickets for purchase of every two Simple Plan tickets of any kind. All hopes were lost knowing that I only bought one ticket and not at all eligible :( Oh well,it was good enough that I got companions to go with. I guess I wouldn't mind buying a rock zone ticket, after all, it is AVRIL we're talking about here :D I've always been a huge fan of hers since I could remember.

GY <3 O  Phase 2 : The Meet & Greet Contest

So i overheard(or.. oversaw? lol..) This giveaway  Fat Boys Malaysia was doing on their page. Sudden desperation surged out of nowhere. Under any circumstances, I NEED TO WIN THIS SHIT! hehe. I wasn't lucky enough to win the first giveaway,so I thought,ok,I'll try ALL the giveaways and only give up once all five of the giveaways belong to other people. After hours of waiting after 1st giveaway,finally the second one came.

There was nothing to lose,I spent over an hour to come up with an epic answer to win myself an M&G. After several drafts, my creative juice finally brewed this up.

I guess it was self-explanatory that I went a little too overboard, all for the sake of meeting my heroes. *disclaimer : Simple Plan is just one of those life-changing musical acts that I've been growing up listening to and learning to love.  *disclaimer disclaimer: yes,i put BJA's pic as my dp,because I felt like killing myself with pens back then.

Back to the story,I waited and waited,checked the page several times a day,anticipating the results.After what seemed like forever... I saw this!

And that's only the beginning of my lucky luck luck day!

GY <3 O Phase 3 : Concert Day - The Journey, the soundcheck & the M&G.

So finally the day came. My cousins picked me up at about 2-ish as I was supposed to reach the venue as early as 4pm although the doors would only be open at 7-ish. It was all because of the meet & greet. As soon as I arrived, which was about 4.30pm (slightly later than planned) due to the unpredictable KL traffic. I was escorted by the organizers to the top floor of KL Live where all the winners from  Fatboys Malaysia,Hitz FM etc were each given a dark blue wristband (to indicate all access pass of the venue) and this meet & greet pass.

The golden ticket NEHEHEHEHE :D

It was when we queued up that I met these lovely like-minded SP fans who happen to have M&G passes as well, and guess what, another awesome coincidence is the fact that most of us are Damansarians!

Meet my new friends  (L to R) : me, Rachelle,Huixian and Nurin.

So after what seemed like an eternity,sitting on the floor with folded legs (like a typical Malaysian) as we watched the merchandise vendors setting up,heard the technicians doing a run-through using the equipment provided while waiting for the doors to open, we were finally allowed to get into the venue with a few ground rules set by the security :
1. no pushing or shoving
2. no pulling of SP members' shirts HAHAHAHAH
3.have fun.
4.don't run, LOL.

p/s: I bumped into JD, and it was funny that both of us were equally surprised to see each other there. Even funnier when he broke the ice exclaiming "Happy New Year!" to me with a really big smile. haha.

Surprisingly, I was so calm compared to some of the other girls who had gotten the same opportunity. Admittedly, it was surreal to see the guys up close and personal. Their setting up took longer than the actual soundcheck lol. We had to wait for almost half an hour for them to get it done. Worth it though, they played "Take My Hand", "Happy Together" and my favorite, "When I'm With You"! There was some points where Pierre asked us what we wanted to hear from them, then everybody started shouting out random songs,but the awkward part was whenever I shouted, the crowd was coincidentally silent,so my voice was beyond average clarity. Among the highlights:

Awkward moment 1# :
Pierre: So what do you guys want us to play?
Crowd : *shouting random songs*
*Sudden awkward silence*
Me: I'm just a kid!
Pierre: Yeah, we can see that, thank you captain obvious!
LOLOLOLOL..

Awkward Moment 2#:
Seb : So fellers, which song of ours is your favorite?
*similar thing happened,except this time I shouted "Shut Up"*
David: hey come on kid, do we really suck so much that you're asking us to shut up?

one word,EPIC FAIL. haha

Seb doing mic test.Yes he's fucking hot :3

David & Pierre, being gay hahah.

Once the soundcheck was done, the boys came downstairs and headed towards the rock zone barrier where all of us waited anxiously to meet each and every one of them. These guys were awesome! Didn't really expect them to be THAT friendly, I always stereotyped punks as assholes, guess I gotta eat my own words now eh? So glad I got a chance to get individual pictures with them, some signatures on my Satriani guitar strap and notebook for my cousin Jue and of course, make small talks with them.And guess what, I got a self-cam with Pierre and a guitar pick of which he handed to me personally! PRICELESS!

Me and mr Jeff Stinco - lead guitarist of SP.

Pierre Bouvier! the friendliest of the bunch! He insisted to do a self-cam with me.

David - he who complains of tight schedule and being tired,followed by Pierre's reaction of rolling his eyes to David haha.

Seb, the ever-so-shy yet ever-so-charming guitarist who blushes a lot.

CHuck - drummer who enquired the location of a typical mamak stall haha.

Me in the  Rock Zone after soundcheck and m&g.

So I went downstairs where I was reunited with my ex-Convent senior, Amelia,who happened to be in the same zone as I was during the concert. We caught up for a little bit before I rejoined my cousins to wait in the queue.

Fucking excited! I can understand, it's their first concert after all :D

GY <3 O Phase 4 : The Show !

So there were a couple of technical problems with the audio and lighting, thankfully rectified while our adrenaline was still rushing. The show started off with Jin and Ryan's routine emcee-ing to introduce the curtain-raising local act,handpicked by SP themselves.

Ryan (left) and Jin Lim (right) enticing the crowd into performing a Mexican human wave.

The Revellers nailing Adele's Rolling In The Deep,rock version yo! and kicking it with a few of their originals.

Screw the waiting part and the songs they played as a transition to distract us,too typical for an international concert. The crowd went crazy as soon as this drumset was revealed. Strange enough,I didn't really feel that excited, maybe because I've met them way before the show even started.

I spoke too soon though. They appeared out of nowhere, fading into the darkness and under the limelight starting off with Shut Up and.. yes,you guessed it, my Subway song "Can't Keep My Hands Off You"! Quoting Rachelle, things gotten tad bit saucy when Pierre and David couldn't keep their hands off themselves ;)  Pierre you fucking tease! WHYYY DO YOU HAVE TO LIFT YOU SHIRT AND RUB YOUR ABS LIKE THAT WHYYYY.. hahahahaha I recalled not eating anything the whole day except for the bread and cheese sandwich I had before leaving for KL Live, then again I couldn't believe how my body managed to handle such energetic leaps I did during Jump, Addicted and When I'm Gone.Simple Plan is my energy bar :')

Cutting the story short,here's the rest of the playlist of the night,and of course the highlights :
- My Alien
-You Suck At Love (David being cheeky, and Seb running around the stage playing 'tag' with our cameras,haha)
- Thank You ( Pierre changing the lyrics to "Terima Kasih", and told us how much he loves us by saying "Saya sayang kamu semua, banyak-banyak!" so  cute! haha)
-Astronaut (well,the cliche' sentimental song wave using our cellphones to substitute lighters ,duh hehe)
- Your Love is A Lie
-Summer Paradise (David on percussion AND bass)

A few covers,since the boys were in the mood to party:
- Fuck You by Ceelo Green (yes.. we played along and emphasized the F word as we sang along)
-Dynamite by Taio Cruz
- Raise Your Glass by P!nk
... warning: cute asses were inappropriately wiggled at our direction, not at all offensive,just simply yummy, bahahah.

Then the playlist resumed with more SP songs!
- Jet Lag ( ENglish version though, wanted the French one but oh well :) the crowd had to be Natasha Beddingfield,haha)
-This Song Saved My LIFE (okay this was emo..shall not eleborate)
- Welcome to My Life ! (this was when I bumped into Yeen Yee,my ex-highschool mate.)
- I'd Do Anything (at this point,I started to think about someone and wished he was there, :')
- Loser of The Year

The stage darkened. We were a bit disheartened,but not for long. The boys showed up again singing another one of my all-time (perhaps everyone's too) favorite I'm Just A Kid! At first i thought,wow.. epic ending.. but wait.. they left out one typical song!

Once again,the venue darkened. Pierre showed up with an acoustic guitar in the middle of the stage and played PERFECT! Very touching, especially when the band kicked in.

It was epic,to say the very least. The guys totally nailed it!

Pierre rocking out Addicted.

David doing a great job backing up.

Pierre's guitar pick, added to my collection of epic guitar picks alongside Alex Gaskarth's.

Front view of the guitar picks.

My Satriani guitar strap,signatured by SP! notice how the boys signed on individual aliens..
and notice how they have a song called "My ALIEN". you see what I did there? hehehe

 

GY<3 O Phase 5: Post-gig

Of course, Saturday night will render you lifeless if you're stuck in the middle of KL City waiting for your transport to come. Dehydrated, and with the fact that the KFC opposite KL Live is closed,we had to walk a few kilometres to look for a place to get some drinks. Ended up in a shop that sells juice for RM6 per glass,well FTS,we WERE thirsty so we didn't mind. Ended up walking for a few more minutes,killed time with cousin Jue talking about Barney Stinson along the way, it helped distract us a lot! Kinda creepy to be walking by what used to be Pudu Jail in the middle of the night. So glad our car arrived. I ended up reaching home at about 2.30am. Cancelled my supper plan and grabbed a glass of milk and Singapore Laksa cup noodles instead.

TL;DR. best night of my life, EVER.

Next up, looking forward to Avril Lavigne's gig in February!

p/s: thank you Rach for 'donating' me your ticket to be used to redeem Avril ticket :)

I have died everyday waiting for you

Strong words eh? Especially if you're a straight forward person,you might think,literal death?then resurrection followed by another death the next day?insane what love can do to one,i know,but take it poetically.not sure about everyone else,but being someone who's paradoxically afraid of commitments yet a hopeless romantic, i enjoy this so-called overplayed song,and i find the words to be beautiful.I'm sure most of the like-minded people would agree the first impression that this song gives to you makes you say "wow..i think i just found my perfect wedding song." that's what i thought too,but after much analysis,it's quite obvious that it's more of a 'waiting phase' song.it's pleasant,yet you feel that really deep heartache burrowing from the bottom of your heart upon listening to it,provided that you keep your ears open for every single line.in my case,i find myself lost in a trance of bittersweet sensation,until the last violin notes play to denote the end of the song,only then will i return to planet earth.Words have failed me,time and time again.I understand how tired people are to listen to how i feel anymore,with this in my knowledge,i no longer pour out my feelings to anyone.i prefer bottling them up,until they eventually fade on their own ;or rather,let my blog be the listener and my posts do the talking.this song of Christina Perri's speaks my heart out so much that it actually scares me sometimes how her songs are always related to one situation i'm currently in or another -- except for Jar of Hearts. observe the wordings:

"How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?"

Exactly.. she has a point.I fear commitments.I fear relationships,and above all,I'm allergic to the word marriage! I self-destruct every single potentially successful relationships I've ever had with the boys I loved for not even a concrete alibi.and yet,I'm in love?again? i keep asking myself,seriously?like again? damn...i never really learn do I?

But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer

Pretty obvious how my eyes will just voluntarily wander around in empty/crowded rooms, expecting his presence or sudden appearance out of nowhere,as always. Somehow,the more time I spend with him alone,the deeper I fall for him.It scares the heck outta me,because I've never fallen this deep.He might just be the one,but what if it's unrequited?Why am I so certain I'd end up with him?Just because we both have scary coincidences in life?

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more

 I did mention how I'll wait for a guy for a maximum of less than 6 months,heck I broke up with my ex after 6 months of dating him.It's ridiculous how I've been waiting for this guy for almost 8 months already,another 4 months and it'll be a year! Yes,it's torture to love someone knowing that they don't know how you feel,and worst still,they have no interest to know either.It hurts even more that you have to fake a smile in front of him,and try to act as natural as possible to ensure that absolutely no signals are given,as much as you want them to know how much you love them.Doesn't quite help with the fact that your subject of your thoughts is just inches away from you,and you can inhale their scent just to know they're real,you senses start to rise and before you know it,you're refraining your lips from smiling.It really sucks.If only you can just tell them straight up to their face that you love them,and that you don't care whether they love you back or otherwise.I certainly don't,honestly.I don't know what happened between him and me,we were so close.When we're bored or alone at home,we would occasionally catch up with each other,discuss some stupid random stuff or just about music/guitars.It's a perfect friendship,and something blew it.Now it's awkward just to wave at him,let alone talk to him at all.My friend did me a favor,breaking the awkwardness by trolling me,hoping i might get a word or two about his well-being.he replied,probably wondering why the sudden randomness,then again,I was rendered speechless,I replied nothing afterwards.I wish this silence would just go away,and I wish I knew what to say to him.

Time elapsed since I last seen him : 13 days. Missing him like fuck.If only I can tell him that,and if only I can still talk to him like a good friend would.Mairah's dream wasn't pretty.What if Mairah's crush likes me and 'he' likes Mairah?i'm not mentally prepared to see him love another,especially not my bestfriend.It's weird how I've been seeing white choc more than I see him,it's otherwise for Mairah though.we're both equally afraid.What if,the dream explains everything?I know it's ridiculous to trust the stuff you see in your mind as you're fast asleep,then again it could be a sign.It could be the answer to why he hasn't been talking much to me lately?He's distancing himself,and likewise on my side.

Time left till Put Your Heart On Tour: 9 days. well at least i have something to look forward to,also the fact that i'm entitled to one free rock zone ticket to see Avril in Feb after my finals.

gah speaking of finals.. need to work extra harder.my carry marks are not really making me happy at all.maybe all that hardwork will make me forget him,at least for awhile? sigh...

2011 Recaps & 2012 expected adventures

2011 had been a great year for me, despite of the topsy-turvy ride in fortune I've been having, it's been fun. Many things had changed, both expected AND unexpected. I can't thank God more for granting me life to live in 2012.These are just some of the highlights I've had last year (lol.. ).

JANUARY: The birth of Scarlet Got A Band.

FEBRUARY: Officially 18!

MARCH : The breakup.

APRIL: The beginning of university life,and getting a driving license.


MAY: First illegal driving experience,.. might have found 'him'.


JUNE: Elite team! and the birth of Dexandyana.


JULY: Realising i'm in love.. and MTV World Stage 2011! witnessed two epic bands : 30 Secs to Mars and Neon Trees.


AUGUST: The Awesome Raya in Perlis,Penang & Kedah.


SEPTEMBER: MIME Battle of The Bands.


OCTOBER : MJ - Moonwalking in Taylor's 2011 concert (first Band 93 gig ever), met ALL TIME LOW at Rockaway Fest 2011 and got a hug AND guitar pick from Alex Gaskarth!


NOVEMBER: Twisties Superstarz Audition - we failed,TWICE,haha.


DECEMBER: Step UP! for charity concert.Another gig for Band 93.


HNY2012 everybody! may this year bring you great joy,coz I just know mine will. Simple Plan & Avril coming to town yo! gonna be seein them before i begin my degree year.Yeah baby,i'm on a roll!

..and no worries,the end of the world prophecy thing is BS, 21/12/12 may fall on a Friday,but doesn't mean it's true.

if it is,i want it to be a zombie apoclaypse. hehe...prepare your rifles,bombs,food supply and zombie-proof shelter.have a great year ahead! while you still can.

MWUH HA HA HA HA.