This Modern Love Kills Me

"Beauty emanates from every word that you say
And capture the deepest thoughts
In the purest and simplest of ways
But you see
I'm not that graceful like you
Nor am I as eloquent
But just a simple melody
Can change the way that you see me
And right now..

I have you
For a moment I can tell I've got you
Cause your lips don't move
And something is happening
Cause your eyes tell me the truth
I've put a spell over you..

All my life I stumble
But up here I am just perfect
Perfect as i'll ever be... "

-"Spell" by Marie Digby

Ever had this dream after you watch a romantic movie,where music plays in the background,and you're just in the scene itself as the actor/actress? And it all seems perfect enough to be true because it resembles reality in a very scary rate? I've had that for a couple of nights now,and because they were so beautiful and surreal,I've been sleeping in late almost everyday,my sleep has been pleasant and the weather has been promising,not too hot nor too cold. The dream I had for the first few nights was of the scene in The Notebook,where Noah & Allie laid down in the middle of the road,and danced under the traffic lights ; I was Allie but I never really saw whom my partner was, all I knew was he's taller than me. It was all very much like real life,as I've done foxtrot in real life before. In the dream, an instrumental version of "Spell" by Marie Digby was playing in the background,and clearly both 'Noah' & I were crazy about each other, but then the freaky part kicks in when I finally get to see 'Noah's' face ; it was one of my friends! It was downright awkward, and it couldn't get any more wrong than that.What was that supposed to mean anyway?Is my brain playing tricks with me again? I expected Noah to be that someone I've always been head over heels in love with for the past few years,but instead it's someone I least expect! Perhaps it's just my brain telling me to stop overthinking,the pressure was perhaps too much. I think I've been overreacting lately,and overanalyzing things. I should stop caring too much about certain things, before I start feeling emotions I'm not supposed to - something I've always dreaded the most since the day I got friendzoned. I don't know what I feel. Everytime as I fall asleep, all these flashbacks keep coming back to me, it drives me nuts. And I thought I needed this long vacation so badly, it turned out that I'm too free, in spite of the music adventures I'm pursuing.

I guess I have to get more in touch with artistic side.

After All, You're My Wonderwall

“I love everything about her. And I’m not a guy who says that lightly, I’m a guy who has faked love his entire life. I thought love was just something that idiots thought they felt. But this woman has a hold on my heart that I can’t break, even if I want to. And there have been times that I wanted to. It has been overwhelming, and humbling, and even painful at times. But I can’t stop loving her any more than I can stop breathing. I am hopelessly, irretrievably, in love with her. More than she knows.”

—	Barney Stinson

And for that,I think every woman in this world (myself included) would say yes to anyone who would empty their hearts in such a manner,putting their pride to its lowest level.I realize I haven't been speaking much about emotions here,so I guess this is the best time to do so. I admire Barney & Robin, not because they look good together,but because of their unexpected love story that sparked from absolute disgust,to best friends, to bros, and somehow down the road, lovers. They did break up when the relationship became self-destructive for the both of them,but eventually came back together,simply because they were meant to be. I believe, the best kind of love comes when you least expect it. Their amazing chemistry,their trust,their adorable 'in denial' attitude, it's safe to say that this is the kind of love I'd like to experience someday in my life.It gives me faith that someday I will find that special someone in the future, who would go the distance,just to make me happy.Thus far, I've yet to find such a person special enough as Barney to Robin and vice versa. Love - I don't even know if I've ever experienced it at all in my lifetime, in spite of the past relationships I've been through, at one point I find that none of them felt real.They were probably just mere emotions that spark from the heat of the moment,mutual interest in starting a romantic endeavor, without the will to sacrifice,to go an extra mile, nor to accept one another as who they are. Being a couple,or rather, loving one another,is about acceptance,forgiving, a little bit of sacrifice here and there; it's healthy for a couple to get into arguments and misfits once in awhile,imperfections is what makes the relationship perfect (in human sense).

tl;dr : I want what Robin has, an adventurous relationship with a fairy tale ending, which leads to a whole new paradigm instead of just a plain epilogue.

Sometimes We Hear,But We Don't Listen

Hey listen,listen,listen,listen... lol . Salutations my awesome readers ! Yes,I'm gonna be actively blogging again on account of being free for 3 months due to my last longest semester break of my whole degree program. I know,I owe each and every one of you updates on what's been happening to me for the past 6 months, which of course includes events in 2012. We'll get to that,but since memories aren't going anywhere no matter how long it takes for me to share them, let's just focus on something more up-to-date and factual?

Recently, (about 2 days ago) a footage of a student-speaker forum in UUM had been going viral all over the internet due to the lack of integrity displayed by the speaker namely Ms Sharifah Zohra Jabeen in responding to a student's criticism towards the country's education loan system, peaceful street demonstrations and a few other political issues that seem to be the hottest debate topics between the government and the opposing party. I am not exactly one who would be very interested in political issues,mainly because I prefer not taking sides rather than giving my full support towards a party that might or might not be capable of ruling the country,especially with the fact that Malaysia is multi-racial and therefore,the slightest of mistakes in a public statement might awaken racial sentiments. Let's just say I speak for myself,and humans in general. The thing about us homo sapiens is that,we are well aware of our five major senses : sight,hearing,touch,taste,smell ; but what we are not aware of is that,are we interpreting the stimuli around us the way we should? Sometimes when we're conversing, we are definitely hearing, but here's the catch, are we actually listening to whom we speak to? Are we aware of the point he/she is trying to get across? Do we put ourselves in his/her shoe to understand what he/she might be trying to tell us? Do we see the big picture? Do we see right through his/her words so unveil the meaning that lies within? No. Not a definite no,we may still do,but not all the time. A clear example of such behavior was shown by this Ms Sharifah, of which she shut Ms Bavani off by repeating "Listen,listen,listen,let me speak" multiple times and eventually snatched the microphone away from the student who was,at that moment, trying to make a valid argument. Not only that,she also refuted Ms Bavani's argument by saying that Malaysia shouldn't be compared to other countries, and that the fact that those complains were lodged made it a 'relevant' excuse for Ms Bavani to leave the country. Her counter-argument was that animals have problems too but they do not go for public demonstrations like humans do. I too am against public demonstration,personally speaking,but the way Ms Sharifah treated this student was a disgrace to the whole 1 Malaysia Women Society. Age certainly does not justify the amount of respect you should get, for respect is to be earned. If you do not respect others,how do you expect others to do the same to you? A degree,or masters, or any forms of high-level certifications in general, also does not put you into a veto position to shut people off. In a democratic society, one should be allowed to voice out his/her comments, either it's positive or negative. Ms Bavani's boldness in her stand has earned my respect,whereas Ms Sharifah's ignorance makes me doubt her integrity and professionalism. If this is the kind of world we live in, where the future generation such as myself, who would someday lead the world, are not allowed to voice out our thoughts and ideas, I fear this country's future is a cloudy one. In spite of clashes in political views, we need to respect each other, let one another speak, who knows, sharing of ideas might just save the world from becoming .. toast. Don't just open your senses to hear, but...actually LISTEN, and think things through.This is what separates us from the animals,our ability to interpret what we have sensed.

p/s: to the peeps who applauded for both Ms Bavani and Ms Sharifah, have a backbone,please? Please stop having that 'follow the crowd' attitude.

New Year's Eve - 2013

Well hello there my dear readers! It's half an hour till the new year y'all ! And hey, if you're reading this, you've survived the 21/12/12 Doom's Day! ...and are as miserable as I am, celebrating it at home with my notes and books coz of the finals I'm having on January 2nd.YAY FOR YOU SMART PEOPLE STAYING HOME! who needs the celebration anyway,you gotta endure traffic,and possible drunkard encounter,the crime rates are high.. pish posh.. no I'm not being sour because I can't go out with my friends, I bet they have their own plans with their own gang, I'm just saying it's smarter to stay home,heh.

Back to our little doom's day chit-chat, well admit it, you were a wee bit scared the Mayans were right, although I wasn't. Apocalypse postponed eh? Typical homo sapien, even postponing things when it comes to  predictions,heh procrastinators unite! Not that I'm being superstitious,I don't actually believe this but it's amusing to read how hard people work to spark panic. >> 2012 apocalypse postponed to 2014 ?

It's been a tradition for me to recap things in detail on the last day of the year,simply to reminiscent the good times and the bad times I've experienced. To be perfectly honest,2012 has been unexpectedly very dynamic in terms of experiences, it was one hell of a ride which I can't simply describe in one word. It's been an equal share of sweet and sour, pretty much resembles a bag of skittles.

It started off with a BAM, who would've thought I'd meet my heroes from Simple Plan : Pierre, Seb, David, Chuck, Jeff in person and watch them perform live?It was simply amazing, especially on account of getting to watch my punk rock princess as well within two consecutive months! I believe I need not to elaborate on this, as I've done enough of it within a blog post I had earlier on in January :'>

 Degree.. wow, to be describing what it's like here in one post would be an understatement. Sure,it was tough at first with my culture shock towards the sudden independence expected by the lecturers from us,but we managed to pull through. I met a lot of new people along the way,and hey, who would've known, that nerdy guy in FIC January 2011 (my sort of foundation senior) I used to think as someone who's super reserved and geeky would actually turn out to be my best friend within 8 months? I was thankful I had someone to be close with to that degree after Mahirah left. I'm a bit fuzzy as to how we actually connected,perhaps the fact that we're both guitarists?Or maybe we're just randomly insane,yeah that. I remembered his first question to me : "Why do you take Software Engineering?" I've forgotten what my answer was,but it was something along the lines of my desire to 'build my own software from scratch'. One thing led to another, then there I was,with him in his car,hunting for an electric guitar. We started talking everyday, and eventually know everything about each other, also often mistaken as a 'blooming couple',lol. For a short period of time,we've been into a lot of ups and downs, many a time have we saved each other's lives (not literally), and many a time have we gotten into big fights,but later on resolved in less than a day. I couldn't thank Allah enough for granting my wish to have someone to be physically there for me when I need him fter Mahirah left for Aussie. Jitki is Jitki, he will never be Mahirah, but I appreciate what we share so far,and I love them both equally.

Here's to you Jitki, (ultragay alert) : You're the best gift God has given me this year (after meeting Simple Plan,lol) .Thank you SO MUCH for all that you've done for me,for all the reality checks you gave me,for all your advice, for all the pointless bickering,for all the joy, for all the PMS-ing (which made me realize I shouldn't use it as an excuse to burst at people,nice reverse psychology),for all the insane conversations,for all the music.May this friendship last for many years to come :D

Enough gayness, we've still a couple of stuff more to revisit. This was also the year I first exposed my songs to the public, in Starbucks! It was all meant to be written for my personal enjoyment,but the crowd response was amazing! I didn't expect to literally perform it, it was however an amazing experience,not to mention,being appointed as the Managing Director of Taylor's Music CLub, I've dealt with so many obstacled along the way of organizing events. Jessie and Leanne are indeed such awesome people to work with,their passion for music,charisma,leadership,commitment,everything merges into one to form a very solid team. There has been a lot of changed in Music Club,and needless to say it's been a pleasure to be part of the pioneers and drivers to these changes.

Last but not least,here's to the new year 2013, hopefully as dynamic and adventurous as 2012!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

xxxx
Yana.