Friday, October 14, 2011

Holes Inside

When all that you've tried, leaves nothing but holes inside,
It seems like you're wired, to stay here held in time,
Cos nothing seems to change, oh no.
No nothing's gonna change, at all.
I can see it in your face, the hope has gone away.

If you hold tight, shadows will be lost in the light.
Oh cos sometimes, fate and your dreams will collide.
So don't walk away from me,
Don't walk away from me,
Don't walk away from me.

Your feet are stuck, no they cannot move,
Don't tell me that they're glued,
They should've far from.
At home, at ease but give sometime to breathe
- Holes Inside by Joe Brooks

The bittersweet revelation I received today seemed to have given me mixed emotions; a sense of freedom because I no longer have to play the guessing game nor take any risks to get it done with,and partly,a weird combination of happiness and depression.I should be happy that I can now set my priorities straight and just let go of all the delusions,then again part of me is crumbling yet again.I don't understand,just as I thought it would've been the end of all these insignificant thoughts,it came back to me.It hit me like a tidal wave,slow,progressive,but painful in the end.I'm prepared for the worst,but I didn't see this one coming.I was confused regarding how to react,should I be happy or sad? Should I wait or should I just screw it?It was a major relief and now I can sleep well,but it's also gonna revolve into a major heartache soon.I'm feeling it now,I'm so immune to such pain that I literally couldn't care less how much it hurts me,and how much it eats me inside.I know deep down my walls are tumbling,but somehow,someway,I know a reconstruction is about to take place.This is going to make me stronger and not break me further,this I promise myself day by day.

The worst part is,it took me SIX DAMN YEARS to actually discover I wasn't ready for such heartbreaks and commitment,thus I was actually terrified of the thought of marriage and any affectionate dreams.It scares me,and clearly I am not well-prepared to face that.'We' were both on the same page all along,now I's gonna take time for me to recover,but indeed,I will.

Although I wouldn't know how to react the next time I see you. Will we ever be the same? Will I ever be able to be myself again? Right here,right now,I'm actually wishing that you'd leave soon,sooner than you're supposed to.I want the pain to go away,I want to feel numb,I don't wanna feel anything anymore.I don't even wanna feel happy for fear of being pulled down in mid-air.

If any scientists is looking for a human body sacrifice to test on their latest artificial intelligence invention,ya don't need a proper cadaver,just take me,I'm already dead inside.I'd like to know how will life change with only the mind taking control whilst emotions don't exist?

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