Saturday, December 28, 2013

I Regret Nothing

Emotions. Something we wish we had control of but are never aware could conquer our lives.We keep telling ourselves that there's a reason why the brain is placed in a position higher than the heart,so that we're always reminded to keep our minds over matter; but how many times did we actually think before we obey our feelings? Be it gut feelings or blind emotions, both are similarly mindless. You know you're going to get hurt eventually, but sometimes these things are just beyond your power.You may be the smartest person alive, but when it comes to feelings, I'm sorry to say,everyone's rendered dumb as a mule. When it comes to emotions, we thought we could set rules and principles to abide and then someone special shows up - one who is able to rip apart all the codes you've compiled into a book - that set of rules you were supposed to use as somewhat of a guide to your love life. And that checklist containing items of your dream guy? Shredded to smithereens. This guy checks off none of the items,and yet he made you weak on your knees.He occupies a large space in your heart, leaving the rest of your celebrity crushes squeezed into a small one-bedroom apartment-like area that barely fits a decent bed, let alone furniture.Before and after your slumber, he goes up to the subconscious part of your mind, and feeds your thoughts with flashbacks of moments spent with him,every single one of it from the biggest moments to the simple jokes he made over the texts he sends you. They turn into dreams, sweet dreams, wishful thinking, which leads to expectations.Sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night and there he is, lingering in your thoughts. Your heart feels heavy,and tears stream down your face. How did it come to this? He was barely anybody when you first met him, you guys barely talk but when you started to,the conversations get too deep and extended too long. He started empathizing your every dismay,and likewise. You feel like you can talk to him about anything,and in return he opens up to you. The chemistry is amazing. The two of you could be genuine around each other, and then you realized that it has become a routine to talk to him on a daily basis. You realized that in spite of certain prominent differences in personality traits, he really is just a mirror image of yourself. Is he your soulmate? You asked yourself. You start looking up for signs that you're crushing on him,and all signs return you a positive answer. You went into denial stage, you asked him to hang out with you,just the two of you,for some sort of false justification that you do not have feelings for him,and even if you do,it was platonic. It didn't turn out the way you want it to,you were in a dilemma now. Your feelings get deeper when you realize that you insanely missed him when he's not there,and get terribly jealous when he hangs out with his  bestfriends more than he hangs out with you. You wish you were his bestfriend,but of course your heart wants to go beyond that. You swallowed your feelings,and planned to keep it to yourself but everytime you see him, your heart beats really fast. You lose your common sense, and you try to keep it cool but you're so nervous,you start dropping everything you hold. He calls you a klutz but he tripped on your foot and almost fell.  The two of you seemed like you were meant for each other. He suddenly stops talking to you,and you don't know why. You thought you could live with it by telling yourself he's busy,but you know deep down that something was wrong,in fact,why do you care so much? You couldn't stop thinking about him but the only thing that distracts your mind is the work you have for school and the exams you have to study for. You think about him with every chance you get,and you know that your feelings are intensifying. No matter how hard you try,you can't get him off of your mind. It kills you inside when you can't brush off the feelings. Would you risk losing a friend because of your emotions? You asked yourself. You texted him, but he wasn't the same person anymore. He grew distant, and he seemed more zoned out. When you pointed this out,there was silence on the other hand. Something was up but you brushed it off for the time being,and when the time comes,he is still indifferent. Maybe there's someone else, you thought,but you don't know for sure. You took a leap of faith, you picked up your phone one night and told him everything. You expected a bad answer, one that would break your heart but to no avail. You are prepared for the worst,but the unthinkable happened. You poured your feelings out, but he is rendered speechless. He sobbed. You didn't know what to do. He kept apologizing for not knowing how to react to your sudden outburst. It was so overwhelming,you were literally losing it, overflowing with emotions and reduced to tears.He says he'll think about it,but days and nights have passed,still nothing from his end. You start to lose hope,but you wanted to salvage and undo the damage. You texted him,reassuring that it's okay to not feel the same way. Feeling can't be forced nor stopped.No replies. He changed. He used to reply to the most trivial texts you sent him,now he never replies anymore. And you just sit there,waiting and waiting. Your friends tried to convince you that he's not worth it and that you deserve better,your mind agrees but your heart stays anchored on where you stand. You try to walk away,but you can't move. You try to move on,but "maybe" lingers on your mind. What if he's just confused? What is he's contemplating something? What if he doesn't care? What ifs. You expected closure but you get none,you begin to question where you patience comes from. It's amazing how you're still waiting.In the words of Charmaine Wong:

"I know patience is virtue but waiting for something you're not sure if it's gonna happen is what I like to call, wishful patience."

Maybe I shouldn't have told him, but somehow I regret nothing.It's better to regret something you did or said rather than regret something you didn't do or say. And the ironic thing is that I've been getting a lot of remarks about how I look like Kirsten Dunst.

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