Thursday, August 25, 2011

Narrating my Life - part 1

it's weird,perhaps i've been watching too many chic's been a week since i last came to campus,simply due to the one-week study break we have before the finals.first paper is over,Intro to Computing.i guess i did pretty well,except for the java coding part,i swear i have no idea how to do it.then again,the rest was fine.

walking into campus,i can't help but notice the fact that i keep having conversations with my mind,on and on's as if i'm narrating my own's cute if my life were a movie,but since it's reality,it's just plain much as i love talking to myself when it comes to decision-making,i don't wanna accidentally murmur something else,that would make me look like i'm a potential cuckoo hut resident.


that was on Monday.i still couldn't believe it's finally Thursday.last paper went well and the first semester is finally over! i really need a vacation from it all.i'm going out for iftar dinner with the family this Friday,and with my friends on Saturday.also heard that we're gonna go back to Perlis,my dad's hometown to celebrate Eid this's about time,i miss the north.can't exactly remember when was the last time i went back to pay my aunts a visit.urgh,the pain of having almost my whole family living nearby,less excitement.gonna miss Din though,he's still in Sabah and he might not be able to be back for Eid this year.duty calls.

p/s: tis very awkward to share a table with a group of strangers,even if they're from your uni.first impression would make me look like a part of their gang considering how they are sitting 'around me' in spite of the other empty tables for them to sit around.then again,i appreciate the company,even if my existence is not really acknowledged.

*emo mode: on*
here i am in SLC waiting for Dex to come,we promised to jam's been awhile.i don't blame him for being late,after all he does have classes.i finished my exam early,so it's kinda my fault that i'm alone. ALONE.. well it's not as bad as you think.sure,under certain circumstances it gets boring and depressing,but right now,i need time and space,i need to think a lot of things over.not just general shit,but stuff that i've been putting on hold due to other aspects of life with larger that i'm carefree,i'm finally thinking about it.the oast two days had been nothing but drama,not in a bad way know those kind of love stories that make you go "grab his hand!" or "kiss him,dammit!"? those. honestly,when i like someone,i can be very pathetic,although i don't exactly show it,but i know i am - especially if that person fails to leave my mind when i daydream or in idle mode.(before you get any ideas,i'm talking about GP..not Dex.i like GP,not Dex).i absent-mindedly say his name in my every prayer,asking God whether he's 'the one'.i even prayed to God to show me his flaws that might make me change my mind about him,but God seems to be showing all his perfection within made me think,how do i fall out of love now?i'm falling in deeper,and i don't like the idea of pursuing another guy at all.i'm not desperate,i can totally live on my own,but things change since you said hi to me in May.on Monday,i looked around for you but you weren't papers went well but i felt empty.the next day,i looked for you,again,but you were once again i sat in a corner with my friends,out of the blue,you appeared just as i was talking about you.i addressed you as Jimmy,and had to cut the conversation off when you came to join said you saw me doing my paper so attentively at 'your block'(typical uni classroom).i've never felt happier to know you actually notice my existence,will you ever notice my feelings for you though?

funny incident.we're talking about our courses,i brought up the fact that i hated reading but i don't mind sciences and my course doesn't require much reading except for the subject i was currently asked me how thick is the book i need to study. i did an estimation with my hand,and you asked me to do it again. "This thick *finger gesture*" I said..
 "How thick? Can you do it again?"  i did as i was told.
"This.... *finger gesture*"
"Well mine is about... *places fingers very near to mine* this thick.. thicker than yours.."
i laughed,at both the fact that we're competing who's studying more and the fact that i thought he was gonna touch my hand and i refrained.He then started fiddling with my laptop again like he usually does,and was astonished i kept the code file he typed and saved the other's no surprise,if only you knew why i wouldn't get rid of it.

to be continued... OMG that was awkward.i was just talking about him here and there he is,right in front of me,only metres away.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Set Finals aside,Make Way for the night of a thousand nights

i may be having my finals starting tomorrow,but due to the fact that the ulamas have narrowed down the possible date of Lailatul Qadr' this year (which is believed to be one of the nights during the last 10 days of Ramadan: 21/23/27/29th Ramadan), i decided to set the finals aside tonight and trust all the facts i've studied throughout the week to not miss out a chance in increasing my voluntary deeds.Allah knows,i might not be able to experience next year's Lailatul Qadr',nauzubillah.

this is a verse from the Holy Quran. it reads " Lailatul Qadri khairummin alfi shahr",translated : Qadr' night is better than 1000 nights (of good deeds).

it is believed that this night,Allah opens His doors to your prayers and His angels descend to earth to keep track of your good deeds,of which will be rewarded benefits more than usual days/nights.

so Muslims,don't miss out on this opportunity.tonight might be it :)

Saturday, August 20, 2011

500 days of Summer (love)

believe it or not,i've encountered this situation with quite a number of guys before..then i saw this made me think,what the hell?

*roleplay: me as Summer. the rest are some dudes.

              McKenzie: [drunk] So do you have a boyfriend?

Summer: No.

McKenzie: Why not?

Summer: Because I don’t want one.

McKenzie: Come on; I don’t believe that.

Summer: You don’t believe that a woman could enjoy being free and independent?

McKenzie: Are you a lesbian?

Summer: [laughing] No I’m not a lesbian. I just, don’t feel comfortable being anyone’s girlfriend. I don’t actually feel comfortable being anyone’s anything.

McKenzie: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Summer: Really?

McKenzie: Nope.

Summer: Ok, let me break it down for you–

McKenzie: Break it down!

Summer: Ok. I, like being on my own. I think relationships are messy and people’s feelings get hurt. Who needs it? We’re young, we live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world; might as well have fun while we can and, save the serious stuff for later.

McKenzie: You’re a dude. [to Tom] She’s a dude!

Tom: Ok but wait–wait. What happens, if you fall in love?
[she scoffs]

Tom: What?

Summer: You don’t believe that, do you?

Tom: It’s love, it’s not Santa Claus.

Friday, August 19, 2011

What's My Age Again?

 sometimes it's just fun to revisit your childhood and look back into the things you used to love as a child ; toys,music,food.i'm sick of being a grown-up sometimes,too many problems and today,as I was researching a toy site for my E-business exam paper next week,i found some really cool toys.

Spongebob LEGO set.

Little Big Planet Voodoo Plush toy.

damnn i want them XD remind me to visit Toys R Us on my next shopping trip.

you're always too young or too old to be a teenager,but you're never too old to be a kid ;)

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

I'll only Fall for you if you're there to catch me.

honestly,i'm not supposed to be here updating my blog and all,considering how my finals are just around the corner,but the thing is,i've been bottling this up for far too long (take 48 hours of not telling anyone how I feel,i'm not like that).it's not my first time being far too deluded about a crush,but i get carried away everytime i feel that i actually stand a chance.sometimes i think i should just give up and walk away.being forever alone doesn't sound too bad to me anymore,better than being in a forced relationship where you're obligated to love someone just because you guys have this temporary 'mutual' feelings for each eventually ebbs and flows,my concern is that how long will it last?

enough about the negative side of my feelings.let's talk about short,it was terrific.i had a productive day of studying and spent most of the time making music and chatting with the Elites.'he' was there too.apparently everyone knows how i feel about him except himself.i was actually hoping the hours we spend together would actually reveal the ugly side of him,of which would make me fall out of love.i prayed hard.

but for some reason,God gave me the opposite.He showed me all his perfections within his imperfections.i know it's too overboard to keep a checklist to rate a guy's perfection,then again i still have it,although all the items vary with time and current needs.of course,i won't be revealing mine,but i can show some of the items he managed to fulfill.

He is almost perfect because he is:
(/)Funny << he did crack a lot of jokes and poked almost everyone in the gang.
(/)Sensitive << he cares about his mom having iftar alone at home.
(/)Spiritually-fulfilled << he puts religion before anything else.
(/)Musically-inclined << well duh,he plays guitar.
(/)High common sense.
()Friendly to everyone.

How can i not love this guy?Then again,he treats everyone the same way,he's just naturally friendly to everyone as long as he's comfortable with a particular person.It's hard to tell if he feels the same way.It's hard for HIM to tell if i feel that way for him too,i don't quite show it.I have a tendency to give out mix signals.

What are the odds of us having 'mutual crush' on each other anyway? You know what,i'm walking away for now,and i'll only turn back if you run after me and tug on my hand,or catch me when i fall.

wonder if this will become a reality?it would be pretty cute. :")

Monday, August 15, 2011

Whenever I'm indifferent ...

ever had those days when you have a mixture of too many emotions that you just don't fucking care less anymore?i'm having it now,a sense of indifference,a kind of inner death in a way as some would describe it as.sometimes i'm so misunderstood that i don't fucking give a damn if people like me or not.i just wanna survive this hellhole and get it over with.

tell me honestly,what DO you want from me anyway?why won't you let me grow up?how long do you want me to be 8 years old in terms of restrictions?i'm growing too big for this shell,sooner or later i WILL be forced to evacuate to a new one,ya know?let me get this straight,you want me to think,look and act like an 18-year-old,but why are you treating me like i was born yesterday? can you please,for once,let me fuck up and learn from it?i can't be dependent forever,what happens when i have to work my shit on my own?do you think i'd survive if i've never developed an immunity for it before it happens? absolutely please,STOP.i beg you,just STOP this nonsensical excuse for a so-called disciplinarian attempt.i'm eighteen damn years old,i know what i'm doing.i know i'm capable of making mistakes but that's how i strengthen myself from external threats.

do you know why i work hard on my grades?to get myself outta my own prison.i want nothing more than to face the real world and sink myself in deep shit, escaping on my own.that's the way it should be.being the youngest child shouldn't stop that from happening,it is after all a phase of life that EVERYONE has to eventually face sooner or later in their lives,it's just a matter of time.i'm not being selfish,but sorry to say,YOU ARE.

then again,out of due respect,i can't say this out loud,therefore,my beloved blog will be the perfect place to express it all.i can curse all i want and freedom of speech is NOT off-limits.

well enough ranting for one day,here's what made me partly emotional and happy at the same time.

FIC March 2011 Taylor's Lakeside Uni's last day of the 1st semester. can't believe it's the 'last day of school' and we survived! well,somehow. we have a week of study leave starting tomorrow before battling the finals! hope everything goes well,see ya guys in the next semester.let's try NOT to flunk any papers and maintain the batch for the whole foundation year aite? and second sem lecturers,BEWARE!

p/s: i wrote a song for 'him', it's called Out Of The Blue. i'm gonna post it up,that's a sure thing! stay tuned.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Breaking the Reaction Chain

i hate myself sometimes.i seem to succeed in other areas of my life, academics,social life,music.. but why not love? i never seem to be good enough to play along in this complex game.nothing ever works for me.and wanna know the saddest part?all my so-called relationships end up in a ditch.they're like nuclear chain reactions,one thing leads to another,but in the end it shrinks from a huge nucleus of matter into a million shattered pieces.after-effects? tremendous.
a guy talks to me > i find him decent > i have a crush on him > crush evolves to love > guy confesses and we discover our mutual emotions > we end up together > one of us screws up > relationship ends > we're strangers

same old boring drill that never seems to end.there's also another chain:
i have a deluded crush on someone who doesn't know i exist > i find out he has a gf/ likes someone else

can you see where i'm getting to? i'm sick of it,sometimes i just wanna give up and give way to traditional arranged marriage instead.then again,it should be stupid to force yourself to love someone after marriage,what if it doesn't work? what if the emotions develop but are forever...synthetic? think about it.

i am currently in a pathetic waiting phase,yet again.but i've learned the hard way not to give out too much.keep some of the emotions for myself.

i can't believe i would wait for you to talk to me everyday,and look forward to every moment we spend together even if it's only for a few question remains, are you worth it?

i sat came by asking "are you waiting for someone?" my heart screamed "yes,i'm waiting for you!" but my mouth uttered "no,no one.i'm doing my work here." how stupid can i get sometimes?

i hope i could break the chain reaction and make something work out this once in my 18 years of love-failing life.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I don't wanna be a Girlfriend

(Marie' Digby & Sam Milby - romance cut halfway?)

"I don't wanna be a girlfriend
I don't want to talk about my feelings... ya
I don't wanna be some girlfriend...
I don't want to have to explain what I'm thinking

I go alone
To watch stupid romance movies
And I sit, wishing,
It was your arms wrapped around me
And I just deny
That all I want is a piece of you
But I guess it's true, don't wanna talk on the phone,
Don't want attachments, don't wanna be your girlfriend... I...

Just can't belong
To anybody else right now
Though it is not much of an excuse
I can't belong
To anybody else when I've got
So much figuring out to do...

Is it wrong for me to want you... just for a day
I don't want to be that kind of girl
But I can't help myself..."

-Girlfriend by Marie' Digby.

the song speaks my heart,as usual.

once again i have neglected this blog AND my mibba account.i have too many things to do and too many obligations and targets to worry about.of course,along the way,there's drama here and has changed a lot and college life isn't exactly what i expected,in spite of the popular notion that it should be the best days of one's age.totally screwed.due the ever-growing stress building up,i knew i would lose it soon.shall not elaborate,that won't be mentally healthy for the likes of me.set aside assignments,presentations and tests (also some failures) and let's focus on the more positive side of uni life.i've transformed into a more independent,confident and assertive person,not to mention friendlier than ever.enjoying the extracurricular activities i have especially with the Elite Team of the Music Club.speaking of life apart from classes,..cough.i am about to embark on yet another telenovela,it's being a teenager,the urge to NOT bother is quite weak as compared to the so-called 'urge to give a fuck'.so yeah,i think i might have some people asking me, when will enough be enough? have i not learned that love = pain = misery = internal death = indifference? the last relationship RUINED a supposedly beautiful friendship,will the new one have the same/larger impact? am i willing to take the risk?isn't it too soon?

then Boo made me realize that when it comes to matters relating to the heart,there's no such thing as 'enough' or 'too soon'.the heart wants what the heart wants,whether the mind agrees or refutes.sure,the mind is powerful when it comes to logical reasoning,but NOT when it comes to feelings.what i'm feeling right now,could either be a crush or something deeper,it's too early to tell but i have a feeling it's going to know what,i'm actually worried i'm right this time.and this time round,i actually wish it's one-sided again so i could move on before it gets too far; that's only a miniature side of me,while the larger side is anticipating something different.someone advised me to be straight forward and honest, the question is,when will it be the right time to do so? the last time i did,i LOST a best friend. now we're complete strangers because of my stupid emotions.i'm not willing to take the risk,unless i have slim chances of ever meeting him again,sure there's a possibility i might just confess for the sake of getting it out of my chest.for now,i'll wait and let destiny take its course.

am I really in love? 

then again,i don't want to have a commitment.i love flirting in general and i try hard not to accidentally steal anyone's heart.maybe this is one of the bad habits i need to get rid off.

p/s: oh wow my fan fiction "Wanted: Mr Wright" now has 56 unique readers and 3 subscribers! thank you so much Mibbians! you inspire me to write :) i'll keep it up once i get a proper breather.