Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Jika hidup harus berputar,biarlah berputar

Translated,the lyrics mean "If life must go on, so it shall." It's a snippet of the lyrics from my favorite Indonesian band Sheila On 7's song "Sekali Lagi "(One More Time). Very apt, a song that's both sad and uplifting at the same time. I haven't been able to stop listening to it as of yet ,simply because of how much I can relate to it. This year had been very turbulent in so many ways. So many ups and downs,so many walk-ins and walk-outs, so many new friends gained and friends I've lost. It's a year full of lessons, a year unlike any other. I've had a fair share of laughter and tears,and when I looked back at all these photos to see how much has changed since, it's overwhelming. It's not even been a year and yet, I can say I miss these people quite terribly. A lot of firsthand experiences, a lot of heartbreaks,a lot of success. These aren't in any particular order, every moment is just as special as the other <3

These were the moments I've had with my Music Club extended family.
Top left : That memorable rooftop pizza feast and acoustic jam at Ron's during Chinese New Year :') 
Top right: Michelle Thomas' surprise birthday party organized by her bf Adam Wasabi (also my brother from another mother) in Spaghetti Grill,Paradigm Mall
Bottom left: Jessie's farewell party and 21st birthday celebration
Bottom right :  Mahirah's return from down under :)) karaoke and lunch session,in spite of my busy assignment season.

My first prom, my first dance :)) and my first time performing as a bassist. p/s: Julius is just a friend lol.

My trip back to Muar to visit my childhood buddies :)) the troubles I've gotten myself into with Jemima when we missed our bus and LRT on our way,the hospitality shown by my Double E and Yenny when we're in Muar,not to mention Celine our faithful tour guide.

Being lucky enough to meet Chester See, David Choi and Jason Chen during the IM4U ReachOut event on campus :)) also I bumped into Marianne Tan (from JinnyBoy's videos,in case you were wondering) and the adorable miss Sazzy Falak.

My first laser tag experience with my boys :
The Nesh triplets came in top three,followed by Benny,me and Mirza ( a new friend). Good to be one of the boys sometimes :))

The second couple I've successfully matchmade :)) my current bestfriends Rachel and TK.I haven't known them for long,but what matter the most is how much they've been there for me. I can see them at my front porch,having tea with me (and hopefully my significant other,or cat haha). The kind of friends I hope to grow old together with :') Love you guys.

Reunions with the high school gang :)) 

Not to mention, my own Music Club extended family :))

More reunions with the childhood besties :))

My first BurgerLab experience with my Socit besties :))
Angyu,Yen,Khanna and Leon

Of course random lunches with my SLC family,yup ! The House of Vorosmarthy we'd call it.

I got lucky enough to get VIP passes to Hitz invasion as well thanks to Ash, so I decided to share my good fortune with my good friends Benny,Nesh, and Nicholas.Well the passes were meant for two,but I had my ways hehe. VIP treatment,free food, good view of the stage, and of course, my first ever rave experience! Personally loved the neon cube chairs <3

God lent me a furry companion for 4 months.. Scotty :)) the most well-mannered,loyal cat I've ever met. I hope you know you're loved,I may have physically lost you, but you're in a better place now,and to me,you live on in my heart <3

Rachel's surprise birthday party by the SLC family - Amanda was the mastermind!

My open house attended by my classmates, highschool besties and my Music Club family <3 

And not to forget, the trip to Genting Highlands with my Gossip Girls sisters <3  6 years of friendship and still counting.

Let's not forget... the day I got really lucky,so I invited him along.

It was a magical night,and I realized he wasn't just a friend to me. 

And we went for a movie the next day. Thor - the Dark World.

But sadly things weren't meant to be,funny how the world works sometimes.I just hope things will look up in 2014.

Here's to no regrets,no what if's,and to all the why nots :))

Happy New Year !

Saturday, December 28, 2013

I Regret Nothing

Emotions. Something we wish we had control of but are never aware could conquer our lives.We keep telling ourselves that there's a reason why the brain is placed in a position higher than the heart,so that we're always reminded to keep our minds over matter; but how many times did we actually think before we obey our feelings? Be it gut feelings or blind emotions, both are similarly mindless. You know you're going to get hurt eventually, but sometimes these things are just beyond your power.You may be the smartest person alive, but when it comes to feelings, I'm sorry to say,everyone's rendered dumb as a mule. When it comes to emotions, we thought we could set rules and principles to abide and then someone special shows up - one who is able to rip apart all the codes you've compiled into a book - that set of rules you were supposed to use as somewhat of a guide to your love life. And that checklist containing items of your dream guy? Shredded to smithereens. This guy checks off none of the items,and yet he made you weak on your knees.He occupies a large space in your heart, leaving the rest of your celebrity crushes squeezed into a small one-bedroom apartment-like area that barely fits a decent bed, let alone furniture.Before and after your slumber, he goes up to the subconscious part of your mind, and feeds your thoughts with flashbacks of moments spent with him,every single one of it from the biggest moments to the simple jokes he made over the texts he sends you. They turn into dreams, sweet dreams, wishful thinking, which leads to expectations.Sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night and there he is, lingering in your thoughts. Your heart feels heavy,and tears stream down your face. How did it come to this? He was barely anybody when you first met him, you guys barely talk but when you started to,the conversations get too deep and extended too long. He started empathizing your every dismay,and likewise. You feel like you can talk to him about anything,and in return he opens up to you. The chemistry is amazing. The two of you could be genuine around each other, and then you realized that it has become a routine to talk to him on a daily basis. You realized that in spite of certain prominent differences in personality traits, he really is just a mirror image of yourself. Is he your soulmate? You asked yourself. You start looking up for signs that you're crushing on him,and all signs return you a positive answer. You went into denial stage, you asked him to hang out with you,just the two of you,for some sort of false justification that you do not have feelings for him,and even if you do,it was platonic. It didn't turn out the way you want it to,you were in a dilemma now. Your feelings get deeper when you realize that you insanely missed him when he's not there,and get terribly jealous when he hangs out with his  bestfriends more than he hangs out with you. You wish you were his bestfriend,but of course your heart wants to go beyond that. You swallowed your feelings,and planned to keep it to yourself but everytime you see him, your heart beats really fast. You lose your common sense, and you try to keep it cool but you're so nervous,you start dropping everything you hold. He calls you a klutz but he tripped on your foot and almost fell.  The two of you seemed like you were meant for each other. He suddenly stops talking to you,and you don't know why. You thought you could live with it by telling yourself he's busy,but you know deep down that something was wrong,in fact,why do you care so much? You couldn't stop thinking about him but the only thing that distracts your mind is the work you have for school and the exams you have to study for. You think about him with every chance you get,and you know that your feelings are intensifying. No matter how hard you try,you can't get him off of your mind. It kills you inside when you can't brush off the feelings. Would you risk losing a friend because of your emotions? You asked yourself. You texted him, but he wasn't the same person anymore. He grew distant, and he seemed more zoned out. When you pointed this out,there was silence on the other hand. Something was up but you brushed it off for the time being,and when the time comes,he is still indifferent. Maybe there's someone else, you thought,but you don't know for sure. You took a leap of faith, you picked up your phone one night and told him everything. You expected a bad answer, one that would break your heart but to no avail. You are prepared for the worst,but the unthinkable happened. You poured your feelings out, but he is rendered speechless. He sobbed. You didn't know what to do. He kept apologizing for not knowing how to react to your sudden outburst. It was so overwhelming,you were literally losing it, overflowing with emotions and reduced to tears.He says he'll think about it,but days and nights have passed,still nothing from his end. You start to lose hope,but you wanted to salvage and undo the damage. You texted him,reassuring that it's okay to not feel the same way. Feeling can't be forced nor stopped.No replies. He changed. He used to reply to the most trivial texts you sent him,now he never replies anymore. And you just sit there,waiting and waiting. Your friends tried to convince you that he's not worth it and that you deserve better,your mind agrees but your heart stays anchored on where you stand. You try to walk away,but you can't move. You try to move on,but "maybe" lingers on your mind. What if he's just confused? What is he's contemplating something? What if he doesn't care? What ifs. You expected closure but you get none,you begin to question where you patience comes from. It's amazing how you're still waiting.In the words of Charmaine Wong:

"I know patience is virtue but waiting for something you're not sure if it's gonna happen is what I like to call, wishful patience."

Maybe I shouldn't have told him, but somehow I regret nothing.It's better to regret something you did or said rather than regret something you didn't do or say. And the ironic thing is that I've been getting a lot of remarks about how I look like Kirsten Dunst.

Friday, December 27, 2013

When Everything Feels like the Movies ... bleed just to know you're alive.

It's been awhile since my last post,so I just thought I'd be a little theatrical with my update as a compensation for my absence hehe. A lot has been going on but I think I will recap everything on new year's eve as I usually do,simply because there are just too much to write about!

So technically the above shot of Nicholas Cage and Meg Ryan is from this 1998 movie called City of Angels which inspired numerous amazing songs (i.e Iris by Goo Goo Dolls and Angel by Sarah McLachlan).Out of curiosity,I decided to torrent it and finally watched it today.I underestimated its quality due to the 6.6 rating on IMDB but to my surprise,it was actually a pretty good movie! The storyline was very straightforward, revolving around the life of Seth (the angel of death,portrayed by Nicholas Cage) who fell for a heart surgeon (Maggie Rice) so he gave up his immortality to be with her. He had no regrets, as his quote goes :
"I would rather have one breath of her hair, one kiss of her mouth,one touch of her hand ; than an eternity without it. One!" Apparently, the movie implied that angels do not fear,feel,taste and touch and that by giving up immortality alone, Seth was able to experience these. Iris made a lot more sense to me now ,especially the line "I would give up forever to touch you". It was eye-opening to the very least,especially when I can relate to it. A few days back I wished I didn't have emotions because feelings hurt, but bless this movie,I had an entirely different perspective on life now.  Emotions seem to be the only aspect that tells apart human beings from other entities with almost similar level of intelligence. Emotions are the only proof that we are living, which brings me to yet another movie I personally adore regardless of its logic.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have feelings, but then I was brought back to the days when all I could feel was numbness. It was hell,I didn't laugh,I couldn't cry and I had amazing anger management but I felt empty.It was almost as if I was a mindless,soul-less shell of a human being,walking about just for the sole purpose of existing.

Life may be fragile and immortality may be desirable, but nothing beats the beauty of emotions and the ability to sense.Sometimes it's good to get hurt,it reminds you that your heart is still beating and your soul is still intact.