Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Punk Rock Princess's 26th Birthday

Happy 26th birthday Avril Ramona Lavigne!

Thank you for speaking my mind with your music,thank you for cheering me up when I'm down,and thank you for inspiring me to keep going in life and keep chasing my dreams to become a rocker.

Love ya! Do drop by in my country,would love to hang out with you someday xD

Monday, September 26, 2011

Reason or Rhyme

"There's no reason or rhyme to keep me from trying to look at you out of the corner of my eyes,and I know it's so wrong, these feelings belong somewhere else but I can't make them go away. I'm afraid to offer words,afraid to tell you my mind,afraid you'll leave or embrace the me i'm trying to hide.I wish I knew the power to resist to hold you close,to see what might come of this.There's no reason or rhyme to keep me from trying to get into the world hidden in your eyes."

-Reason Or Rhyme by Crimson Epiphany

a lot has been happening to me recently.starting of the new semester is actually not quite as what I've been expecting.i expected it to be as accommodating as the first one,with or without a proper orientation considering the fact that we don't really need turned out that everything is speeding up and one of our lecturers are already on our's a very bad start if you ask me.

enough about for music,my musical progression is going uphill,although in a slow rate it is indeed still moving.MJ Concert is in 15 days from now,the team needs to get cracking! funny how a small random statement i made to Jyne about having a night dedicated to MJ,could turn out so big. we have teams for design,fundraising,stage,sponsorship and even multimedia.this gonna be big! go Beat It Committee! 800 tickets to sell,8 days left for fundraising and promotional booths. we can do it! i have other performances to prepare for,and the other day i had a last minute performance with Dex on a Sunday.apparently we almost forgot about it if it wasn't for CHing Huei,phew~ we performed "Don't Tell Me" by Avril,a song we've covered before at the Amphitheatre in went well.

love life? well the universe decided to speed up my first move,although it hasn't happened,but the incidences really did encourage me to do it.the random places i tend to bump into him,all the times i was left alone by the gang to stay with him and him only,the signs he showed that everyone else saw except for me,are they all leading to something or just merely another delusion of mine? why does the universe keep shoving it in my face and refusing to let me deny these feelings? i've had enough pain and i don't wanna lose another friend,although i do admit that i have fallen head over of the scariest coincidences is of course,the one in Starbucks.I had two hours to kill and a sudden desire to grab a frap and possibly hog the wifi there is strongly as i sat down,i felt how lonely it was to be alone in a cold cafe.i had Wish You Were Here - Avril playing on my mp3,yes i did wished you were there,then POOF! there you are,with your drink and your food. we sat together and talked,with some occasional silence here and there since both of us are either busy with the games we're playing or checking our social network accounts. i don't feel awkward,i love silence.and i love it when you're consumed with whatever you're doing,i can totally steal the chance to stare at you and let myself know that your presence at the very moment is real.other times would just be other places at all the random times.sometimes i feel as if you know how i feel about you,but you're testing me whether it's true by being super sweet to me.accompanying me when i'm alone?happen to eat in the same place with me?wait with me as long as you could?what is all these?if your intentions are good,carry on,otherwise,just stop.stop messing with my head. 

"Don't waste your time on me,you're already the voice inside my head." Blink 182 (I Miss You).

(by now i have made it clear,if you're reading this,good.. i want you to know,that i'm tired of leaving hints for you,and that I confess,that i like you...if you don't feel the same way about me,i hope this confession doesn't change anything,and doesn't set a boundary between our friendship.)

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

You put your arms around me and I'm home

I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start

You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
You put your arms around me and I'm home

How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved
I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone

You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth
And I've never opened up
I've never truly loved 'Till you put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

You put your arms around me and I'm home 

-"Arms" by Christina Perri

Previously I was scared to feel what I feel,but right now,I've gotten an epiphany.I shouldn't be afraid of my own shadows.I'm a human,and I have feelings. Someday,in one way or another,I need to confess,even if it is only to myself and not to him.Let this day be today,I need to at least admit to myself.

  • I love the way you randomly wave at me when I don't see you in a crowd.
  • I love the way you make me feel I'm neither too small nor too big,physically.
  • I love the way you smile at me.
  • I love the way you laugh,and then look at me to see if i'm laughing too.
  • I love the way you stare right into my eyes,and beat me in staring games as we talk.NO ONE has ever beaten me,simply coz I have naturally deep eyes.
  • I love the way we're always sharing stuff about music.
  • I love the way you're always lending me your pick,although you clearly know I have 4 of them in my pocket.
  • I love the way you're always calling my name to attract my attention when I'm sitting across the room from you.
  • I love the way your eyes sparkle and disappear as you squint; and your dimples show up when you get excited.
  • I love your enthusiasm when you're telling me stories,the hand gestures remind me of...ME.
  • I love the way you're acting like a gentleman around me,letting me either walk in front of you or side by side with you.
  • I love how we have almost similar musical interest.
  • I love how you always pay close attention to the tiny details I say.
  • I love how you never break your promises.
  • And most of all,even if it is wrong,I love how we always end up touching each other by accident,followed by us blushing at the same time.

But will all these confessions mean a thing if you don't feel the same way? I only have 3 months from now to make it work out between us,and chances of meeting you everyday are quite slim. You're leaving soon,whether I like it or not. It's gonna be tough letting you go without knowing how I feel about you,and how you make me feel,which explains why,perhaps,I'll be preparing for the worst and setting a gradual distance between us.At least I'll get used to not having you around anymore.It sucks how this always happens to me,but I've accepted it. Probably it's not the time yet,but still,

  • You make me giggle like a giddy school girl.
  • You make me blush,more than I usually do.
  • You make me lose my self-esteem,just by staring into my eyes.
  • You make me smile on my own,more than a healthy person should.
  • You make me weak on my knees.
  • You fill my mind with memories of you,every single one of them,in detail.
  • You make me fall asleep to thoughts of you,and wake up the same way.
  • Most importantly,you made me believe in love again,even without knowing whether you feel the same way too.
You may not be the first,but you might be the one. Will you be my dream come true?

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

MIME Day 1 - probably one of the best nights of my life.

with the legendary percussionist,Steve Thornton 

can't believe such a small idea could become this big. 

the trio! 

what the..???

The Awesome Raya in Pixels

First day... 

Mak Nini's awesome laksa 

bidding farewell to our Perlisian relatives

The most reputable restaurant in Penang 

toy museum,with Jack Sparrow. 

New York Strip Steak in Hard Rock Cafe. (don't ask me the price,totally worth it) 

 SOng request for the HRC Penang band.

read em and weep!

Yeah baby! 

complimentary natural make-over from MAC 

 'him'... this is supposed to be said to 'him'

 Vintage KFC in Penang

kak Idd's living room :O 

my lovely bro and sis :) 

 kak long!

my fav couple :') 

 so yeah...

staircase guests 

 VP benson & ching huei

my bro hangin at my staircase studio :P

Saturday, September 10, 2011

When It's Time

"The words get trapped in my mind
                                           I'm sorry I don't take the time to feel the way I do
'Cause from the first day you came into my life
The time ticks around you
We're all born in a world of doubt
But there's no doubtI've figured out
I love you
And I feel lonely for
All the losers that will never take the time to say
What's beyond their mind instead they just hide away

So tell me when its time to say I love you."

- When It's Time by Green Day

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Narrating My Life part 2 - Philophobia

"I may be physically here but I am emotionally elsewhere.."

This line is neither from a song nor a movie quote,instead it's from the bottom of my heart. I can't deny the fact that I've had a blast during Eid, the Northern Peninsular Trip,I'll just let the photos do the talking in a separate post later when I'm in the mood.Currently,I've been feeling jaded, and somewhat overwhelmed by all these emotions encircling my mind. You can ask some of my closest friends, they knew how i broke down while I was in Penang. I had a gush of depression, it feels like being stabbed in the heart with a thousand daggers.It hit me so suddenly that I had no idea how to react.Negative vibes surrounded my mind and at some point,i feel like giving up everything i've ever wanted : love and music.I feel that I'm incompetent and useless; and I might not succeed in both at all. What I needed was a friend and I'm glad I had one to talk to,at least now I feel less.. useless.I was happy earlier today,the day couldn't be anymore perfect.I've gotten awesome results for my finals,but what hurt me the most is the fact that i'm yet again falling for another guy,who will potentially be another reason for my inner pain.It's all going well,I thought we're only gonna remain friends ,then these stupid feelings just HAD to come by,and i noticed I have a constant emotional pattern every year:

in May: I'll start getting to know a great guy who eventually disappears into thin air,giving me an impression that he will be nothing more than a one-day crush.
in June : I'll somehow bump into him more than I expect,and the crush on him returns.
in July : Our friendship develops due to the frequent encounters,and the feelings start to revolve more and more each day ; something i term as love-crush transition stage.
in August : I'd realise the feeling is going too far and I might have fallen for him already.
in September : I'd feel that it's one-sided (without asking him, just a paranoid assumption) and start to give up on myself.

This roller coaster of emotion goes on every year as if it's a routine I can never neglect.It hurts to repeat the same mistakes all over again.And yesterday,thanks to Maira,I discovered the root of my emotional disturbance:
I'm suffering from a mental condition known as Philophobia (fear of falling in love or being in love). as ridiculous as it sounds,it's actually a serious problem if it gets any worse.I found a site speaking all about philophobes and most of the symptoms actually occur to me.

A little extract from what I've read:

  • Philophobia is the fear of emotional attachment; fear of being in, or falling in love
Medical science defines philophobia as an abnormal, unwarranted and persistent fear of falling in love. Its name comes from two Greek roots – "philo" meaning love and "phobia" meaning fear of. This fear of love isn't merely a distressing emotional condition; it results in actual physical symptoms, and may even heighten a person's alienation from all people, family, friends, co-workers and neighbors.
In other words, the mind is thinking that falling in love poses a life-or-death threat to such a degree that it automatically prepares the body to fight for survival. This excessive emotional response forms one of the clearest signs that a person is in the grip of a phobia, in this case, the fear of love.

In addition, philophobia produces a distinct set of physical symptoms. Philophobia symptoms range from nervousness or restlessness in the presence of the opposite sex, to feelings of absolute dread at the prospect of meeting someone. In its most extreme cases, philophobia can cause the equivalent of a full-blown panic attack: sweating, irregular heartbeat, shortness of breath, nausea and an intense need to escape from the presence of the potential lover.
As with all phobias, psychiatrists and psychologists aren't in 100% agreement on what sets off philophobia. Sometimes a person dwells on bitter memories of past relationship that didn't go well or that ended badly. Or the sufferer may have an intense fear of rejection and avoids relationships as a way to avoid the embarrassment of being refused by a potential lover. Others may have gone through an acrimonious divorce and be convinced that falling in love again will only lead to another painful divorce or breakup. "
Check out the underlined text,those are what I'm currently experiencing. So far I'm still in the initial stage of the condition whereby I have yet to suffer physical side effects.I'm glad this mental condition can be treated,maybe i really should see a councilor soon before things get worse,but not a soul should tell my family about this.I'm not crazy and it's a minor problem that I think I'm capable of solving on my own,the only issue now is whether or not it'll work.I knew I was mentally wrong somewhere; all the mixed feelings i've been having,the flashbacks of past relationships that haunt me in my sleep and when i'm in idle mode,it makes me lose focus on the real world.Sometimes when i talk to people,i only have enough retention span to listen to half of the conversation,while my mind remains elsewhere.i can't afford to let this run loose,i have a whole new semester to focus on and i can't screw up!
The worst part is,when fear leads to ego.I admit,i think like individuals who (with no disrespect whatsoever) has too many balls.I am to egoistic to admit that I'm in love.I practically repel people I like and what sucks the most is that somehow,as much as I want the feeling to be mutual (in that case I'd be lucky),I want it to be one-sided.It's crazy because I feel that if it's mutual,it's gonna put me into another attachment that might or might not end in a good way. GP is a nice guy.I don't want to hurt him nor do I want our beautiful friendship to ever end.
Should I just let these feelings go?