Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Why We Find It Hard to Move On

If your heart is your home, then feelings are visitors. Sometimes their presence is expected, and other times they would pay you a surprise visit, but the question lies ... for how long? Most of the time, your heart will be welcoming their arrival with open arms.Some feelings would drop by only for a mere moment, others stay a little bit longer, and if you're unlucky, certain feelings will even permanently reside in the deepest core of your soul - overstaying their welcome, eventually taking up the space you have been saving for something life-changing and meaningful. They will consume everything you have and change everything that you are, and they will be the part of you that you never knew you needed. They will be that missing puzzle piece in your life that completes you in such a way that you can no longer imagine living life before them.

And that is it, you're screwed. If the analogy is true, there is no eliminating the feelings that grow from within you, after all, how rude would it be to simply kick out a guest who pays you a visit? Even if you do, you would ruin everything you've had with this visitor especially if things do not end on good terms. Nothing good ever comes from trying to abruptly snap yourself out of a feeling that has gotten so strong.

Yes, you might have that false sense of freedom once you feel as though you have completely eliminated unnecessary emotional baggage with such haste, but how sure are you that they won't recur?

Some say feelings that return are feelings that never left the first place, otherwise they would have just been temporary, like perhaps a crush you had on your classmate in high school. You were so infatuated back in the days, you felt as though it was the real deal and that it would have been impossible to get over them - then again, you eventually did.

Then comes that person from college who drove you equally crazy and beyond, whom you have mistaken for yet another infatuation. You thought the feelings would be gone the second you hold that roll of diploma in your hands, and you could think of nothing but starting your new career life as you flung that mortar board in mid-air. You thought you would have a one-track mind again just because you will no longer see that object of affection. Wrong.

What happens when you suddenly see this person again in a different phase of your life? Perhaps you end up working under the same organization, or worst still, you bump into them while they are on a vacation with their family - now happily married while you are still trying to figure out your life? Will you be able to leave the past behind and stay on platonic grounds with them? Or will you find yourself trying very hard to keep a straight face, lying to yourself that you are happy for them while in truth you are crumbling from the inside; stuffing your face with half your weight's worth of ice cream later that night in your hotel room alone to drown your sorrows? If you find yourself reacting similarly to the latter, you're a goner.

Your feelings have evolved into something so colossal, that it is now overpowering you. It wasn't "just a crush" after all, it's love! Very agonizing, isn't it? Especially with the fact that there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. After all these years, you thought you were finally over them, and then something shows up to prove you wrong.

Sometimes, the most trivial of things from your surroundings can be a trigger that brings back memories from the past, making your old scars bleed again. As much as you want to forget something or someone, sometimes there are just no effective way to do it. It can be a song that takes you back to a timeline when you were so smitten by a particular person, it was as if there was no tomorrow. There was only now, you lived in the moment and you wished it would never have to end ; once you return to the current reality, you feel ashamed of yourself for living in the past.

"Live in the moment, because when time has passed, it will never return." A piece of advice repeated but a broken record, nevertheless often subconsciously ignored anyway because people tend to hold on to the past so firmly that they tend to take the present time for granted, and at times they tend to forget that there is still a future ahead of them. Why? Simply because the future is scary and uncertain, while the past is so well-defined, much like a comfort zone to return to whenever things get messed up in the present. This is why it is so hard to move on.

So if we are not supposed to force ourselves to stop our own feelings, what are we to do? Ironically enough, the cliche' "Time heals" applies here, regardless of how overrated the relative concept of time is.There are just certain problems in life that you can never find a solution to, so you ought to resort to waiting instead. As pathetic as it may sound, you have to know when to stop pushing. Treat your feelings like your visitors, let them naturally come and go as they please.

There comes a moment in life where you just have to buckle up and sit back ;  let the universe take its own course and just enjoy the ride. What happens next? Time will tell. Let destiny surprise you. For all you know, you're heading for the ride of your life.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

How HIMYM Should Have Ended


One of America's Most Watched comedy of the 21st century, How I Met Your Mother, has finally closed its curtains last Monday with a one-hour special finale, but here comes the big question, how happy were the fans with how the writers concluded the show? What with the fact that the finale confirmed one of our greatest fears sparked by online theories : the Mother's death. It was a rather morbid way to end a comedy, really, in spite of how the writers had cleverly slipped in hints of seriousness amongst the multiple misadventures thoughout the 9 seasons such as Robin's infertility, passing of Marshall's dad, Ted being left at the altar, Barney's quest to find his long-lost dad and even Lily's career conflict that made her leave Marshall as she made her way to San Francisco.

Speaking for myself,and some of the fans of HIMYM who are acquainted with me, I can say that fans who rooted for the Mother to end up with Ted are extremely disappointed with the sudden plot twist. Not only is it sloppy - cramming every single huge detail revolving around the mother's passing and Robin & Barney's divorce into one confusing episode, it is also anti-climatic in a sense that it defeats the purpose of Barney having a legendary wedding in the first place if he's going to split up with Robin anyway. Just as we thought that Barney has finally settled down,he knocked up a girl (whom he addressed as number 31) during his one-month streak and had a baby named Ellie whom he later found out to be the true love of his life. I was clearly unhappy with how the writers wrapped up the final season. They could have at least introduced one of these major points earlier on rather than throwing lame puns upon lame puns to the audience just to 'stretch' the season to be longer. With that being said, here's how I've imagined the ending to HIMYM to be instead :

It starts off as usual, Ted's two kids seated on the sofa as Ted tells them the story that approaches the moment he met his wife (their mother) where he mentions his last night in NYC before he was leaving for Chicago the next day. He was seated at the dinner table where the wedding reception was held,and he saw The Mother, on stage, playing bass for the band who were performing for the wedding.Barney saw Ted and the Mother locking eyes,and wanted to be Ted's wingman one last time but before he could pull off the usual "haaaave you met Ted?" charade, Ted walked out and refused to play as he was already leaving NYC and it wouldn't be realistic. He then said good bye to everybody in the gang individually. While he hugs everybody and gives his little speech, the Mother observes from a distance,wishing she could meet Ted.

It was fate, as Ted was waiting for his train in Farhampton, he tells the old lady next to him about the bassist girl he had seen earlier and seconds later, she showed up with her yellow umbrella and her bass in a hard case. The old lady encouraged Ted to approach her,and so he gathered all his courage and spoke to her. They started to connect through coincidences, and it all started to make sense to Ted. The train finally stops and the Mother got off, bidding farewell to Ted but she left her bass in the train by accident. Ted went after her,carrying the bass with him and they met each other again right before the Mother got on the cab. Both of them exchanged glances and greeted each other with an awkward "hi", then the scene ends.

As Ted wraps up the story to his kids with "So that kids, is how I met your mother..", his wife walks in with a baby in her arms,smirking as she says :
"You're finally wrapping up that story huh? Classic Schmosby. Now come on over here partner, I need a hand with Ellie." Ted walks over to his wife, gives her a gentle peck on her cheek and helps her tuck Ellie into bed while their kids wait outside the bedroom. Robin & Barney walks in a few hours later to get Ellie,and thanks Ted & Tracy for babysitting for them while they were away for a news trip in Argentina. The camera zooms in on Ted & Tracy's wedding photo where the flashbacks began. Robin & Barney got into a huge fight during the weekend of the wedding because of Robin's hectic career, but they then realized that there was a way to make it work by merely observing Marshall,Lily, Marvin and Daisy. With the help of James (Barney's gay brother),they managed to get hold of the right organizations and adopted a daughter which they agreed to name Ellie Stinson- Scherbatsky.

The scene ends with the camera zooming in to the photos of the happy families in frames - The Eriksens with Marshall in a judge suit and all of them surrounded by Lily's paintings, The Mosbies beside Ted's most glorious architecture model, The Stinsons and finally the entire gang with their children in McLaren's Pub,flashbacks of all the coincidences come in snapshots on the screen, including how the rest of the gang were first acquainted with the Mother. and finally the yellow umbrella positioned near the bar to conclude it all.

That, is how HIMYM should have ended in my perspective.

Friday, March 28, 2014

Four-Way Street : Things I Miss About You

I wish my mind were a four-way street, so there will be multiple chances for you to get hit by a bus or a truck every time you cross it , in this case almost all the time , mostly before I sleep and when I wake up. And why would I wish for such a horrid thing? It's just so you know how much it hurts to miss you all the time while you clearly do not give a damn, and then having to pretend I'm okay simply because people can't take a hint that I get tired of talking about my feelings.

It's torturous to think that you might never have thought about me anyway, I'm way too insignificant for your concern. You live your life everyday without me, like I've never meant anything to you. Like all those memories we had and the secrets we shared were absolutely redundant. How do you do that? How do you pull through? How do you just,completely erase my existence?

I have cut off a lot of people in my life simply because they serve no purpose, and they have forgotten about me entirely, they found someone better than me and hence decided to move on to a future where I play no prominent role - if life were a movie I'd probably just be a passer-by or an extra they used to know,and no longer care about. I should do the same to you but deep down, my heart refuses to. And the big question is why?

It's bizarre how someone can transition from a stranger,to a friend, to slightly more than friends and when things fall apart,back to strangers again. It happens so gradually and silently, that you don't see it coming. I should've known that our relationship was heading for the ruins ever since the day I got attached to you. I accept the fact that we are not meant to be, in spite of how much we have in common and how much we mutually understand each other, but I did not expect "we can't be more than friends" to be a complete deal breaker to our friendship. I realize that things will never be the same,and to recover from the damage is near to impossible,but it hurts to know that I'm the only one fighting to keep the friendship.

It kills me to see how you're talking to everyone else in the gang but me. Of course,I mirrored that behavior but the fact that it's not in my nature to ignore people, it cuts me deep. No one knows how many times I've internally screamed "I MISS YOU! TALK TO ME!" whenever you're around, whilst not being able to do anything about it. I can't text you knowing you might not reply to me,and Facebook's "seen" feature does not help - it tells me you've read my text but do not bother to reply. I can't invite you out, you might think I'm trying to get a second chance to be with you while I clearly have no choice but to rule out the idea. I can't talk to you without you giving me that "why are you trying to start a conversation with me? we're done,get over it" look. Every single thing I do will only result in your misinterpretation,and drive you further away from me than you already are. I miss you but I can't tell you so, do you realize how painful that is?

There are times when I feel like I've completely moved on, and then something triggers that long gone emotion buried deep within the valleys of supposedly broken hopes. The memories that linger with each and every single stimuli my senses pick up throughout the day, from songs to a variety of scents and sometimes even visuals.

There is no escaping flashbacks of you it seems.

The fried chicken joint that sells crispy chicken tenders reminds me of the time I pretended to be full and gave you my mashed potatoes because you love it.

The smell of the rain reminds me of the time we watched our favorite band live in concert together and I cried in the rain, so you comforted me thinking I was having a flu - silly you.

Slippery floors remind me of the time you tripped on my shoe and I laughed at you , only to find myself tripping on your shoes too not one second later - karma is a bitch but we both had a good laugh on the floor.

Falling asleep while texting reminds me of the time you panicked when I didn't reply to your text, so you flooded my inbox with probably 50 messages only to find out I dozed off out of exhaustion.

Waking up to the calming tunes on the radio reminds of the time I hit the sack earlier than you did so you decided to link me a song  for me to "start the day with" the next morning.

Tiny hills remind me of the time you tried to be a gentleman and offered your hand to help me climb up a small cliff, but slipped and I caught you by the shoulders.

My Alain Delon heels remind me of the time you called me short and kicked my stiletto just to mess with me, and then you ran when I tried to kick you back.

My cellphone lock screen reminds me of the time you figured out my password pattern and tried to spread it to everyone in our gang, so I poked you in the rib.

The couch reminds me of the time you came to my house for Eid,and fell asleep when everyone was too busy sharing horror tales.

The hallways remind me of the time we had our first rave together at midnight,and we sang our lungs out to the tunes of "If I Lose Myself" by One Republic at the empty hallway - that was the night you proclaimed it to be "our song".

Cab rides remind me of the time I helped you and our friend move to a new apartment, she purposely left us in the same cab alone with your stuff while she took a separate one with hers just because she knows I had sort of a crush on you.

But there is one thing I will never forget : morning wake up calls. They remind me of the time you looked at our schedule wrongly and woke me up at 8am, asking me where the venue for the class is.It was the only day I could have slept in but you ruined it,yet I couldn't get mad at you at all.

That was when I realized, you were not just a friend to me. You can never be just that, and I guess I can pretend all I want, it will never change how I feel about you - even if you don't feel the same way about me.

And maybe the reason I can't let go is not because I'm stubborn, but because maybe... maybe I've actually started to love you. You may no longer be in my life anymore, but you will always be a part of my bittersweet memories. And this wasted heart will always miss and love you from afar.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Dream Funeral

Very often we find girls discussing their dream weddings, where to have it, what theme, what food should be served and pretty much the works. I find this very superficial, how sure are you that you'll get married one day? I did a lot of thinking on my own and I know one thing for sure,and brace yourselves,it's a very morbid thought. Whether you like it or not, death is a bitter truth, it's inevitable and everyone will experience it sooner or later,what differs with individuals is how... and when. 

Of course, just like every other Muslim, I'll go through the religious procedures of funerals, but for my friends,I'd like to have a little get together. Something fun, a celebration of life kind of party perhaps. A little montage of my performances when I lived in holographic form, my favorite food will be served,and there will be personal letters written for people I knew and loved, all hidden in places we used to spend time together in. That's the fun part, it'll keep them treasure hunting,and reminiscing moment by moment to try and figure out where I hid the letters.

 I would have nothing to hide I suppose? So there should be a sort of a lucky draw, so people won't argue about which belonging of mine they'd keep. That includes my laptop,my cellphone, my guitars, my drawings, my poetries, my toys, my photos, etc. But here's the catch, one person can only draw one card,meaning keep only one belonging to be fair to everyone. My family will decide which belongings they wanna keep first before 'auctioning' them away. 

I guess here's the best part of planning a life celebration party, the playlist! Here are the mandatory songs :

1. Ha Ha You're Dead - Green Day (because I want people to laugh and remember me in an amusing way)
2. Good Life - One Republic
3. Paradise - Coldplay 
4. Drops of Jupiter - Train
5. Angels or Devils - Dishwalla
6. My Sacrifice - Creed
7. Will You Be There - Michael Jackson ( ok,one song just to make people cry,I'm a dick lol)
8. Time Is Running Out - Muse
9. In The End - Linkin Park
10. Home - Daughtry
11. Keep Holding On - Avril Lavigne
12. (if I have kids) Arjuna Beta by Fynn Jamal & Tersenyumlah - Andhika Pratama
13. (if I'm married but I don't have kids)  Vanilla Twilight - Owl City & Back At One - Brian McKnight
14. (if I'm not married but engaged) Hadapi Dengan Senyuman - Dewa 19 & Forever and Always - Parachute
15. (if I'm not engaged but in a relationship) The Reason - Hoobastank & A Thousand Miles - Vanessa Carlton
16. (if I love someone but he doesn't know) Pemuja Rahasia - Sheila On 7 & Happy Ending by Mika
17.  When I'm Gone - Simple Plan
18. Graduation - Vitamin C ( because it's about friendship)
19. Kenangan Terindah - Samsons
20. Time Of Your Life - Green Day (what better song than this?)

I want 50% of my money to be donated to charity, probably a mosque or an orphanage. And I want my organs to be donated to help those in need of a transplant, hopefully by the time I die,they're still useful.My life mission has always been to contribute to society even when I'm gone :3

That's all I can think of from the top of my head at the moment, I do hope it doesn't happen anytime soon,I'm gonna need time to write the letters,and I have a bucketlist full of stuff I've yet to do!

I hope my friends or family will be able to find this :)

Friday, February 28, 2014


Yet another poem I wrote out of random emotional spurs.

Saying you and I are parallel lines may seem sweet,
Because as luck would have it,
Are similar in slope, in every bit,
But alas, are never destined to meet,
You and I are nothing but perpendicular lines,
Meeting halfway by right-angled binds,
And parting ways, never again to intertwine.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Sleepless Nights

This is a poem I came up with in class, out of randomness. I started with a two-liner on Twitter,and now I'm inspired to make the full version of it. Enjoy!

My life is a series of sleepless nights,
An array of caffeine delights,
Countless frights 
Of my wrongs and rights
And the shadows lurking in broad daylight,
A relentless battle of humility and pride,
A flock of emotions taking flight,
Heading south in spite
Of an expected turbulent ride,
A raging war, a blinding sight,
Rays of doubt from the heart's might.