Whenever I'm indifferent ...

ever had those days when you have a mixture of too many emotions that you just don't fucking care less anymore?i'm having it now,a sense of indifference,a kind of inner death in a way as some would describe it as.sometimes i'm so misunderstood that i don't fucking give a damn if people like me or not.i just wanna survive this hellhole and get it over with.

tell me honestly,what DO you want from me anyway?why won't you let me grow up?how long do you want me to be 8 years old in terms of restrictions?i'm growing too big for this shell,sooner or later i WILL be forced to evacuate to a new one,ya know?let me get this straight,you want me to think,look and act like an 18-year-old,but why are you treating me like i was born yesterday? can you please,for once,let me fuck up and learn from it?i can't be dependent forever,what happens when i have to work my shit on my own?do you think i'd survive if i've never developed an immunity for it before it happens? absolutely NOT.so please,STOP.i beg you,just STOP this nonsensical excuse for a so-called disciplinarian attempt.i'm eighteen damn years old,i know what i'm doing.i know i'm capable of making mistakes but that's how i strengthen myself from external threats.

do you know why i work hard on my grades?to get myself outta my own prison.i want nothing more than to face the real world and sink myself in deep shit, escaping on my own.that's the way it should be.being the youngest child shouldn't stop that from happening,it is after all a phase of life that EVERYONE has to eventually face sooner or later in their lives,it's just a matter of time.i'm not being selfish,but sorry to say,YOU ARE.

then again,out of due respect,i can't say this out loud,therefore,my beloved blog will be the perfect place to express it all.i can curse all i want and freedom of speech is NOT off-limits.

well enough ranting for one day,here's what made me partly emotional and happy at the same time.

FIC March 2011 Taylor's Lakeside Uni's last day of the 1st semester. can't believe it's the 'last day of school' and we survived! well,somehow. we have a week of study leave starting tomorrow before battling the finals! hope everything goes well,see ya guys in the next semester.let's try NOT to flunk any papers and maintain the batch for the whole foundation year aite? and second sem lecturers,BEWARE!

p/s: i wrote a song for 'him', it's called Out Of The Blue. i'm gonna post it up,that's a sure thing! stay tuned.

Breaking the Reaction Chain

i hate myself sometimes.i seem to succeed in other areas of my life, academics,social life,music.. but why not love? i never seem to be good enough to play along in this complex game.nothing ever works for me.and wanna know the saddest part?all my so-called relationships end up in a ditch.they're like nuclear chain reactions,one thing leads to another,but in the end it shrinks from a huge nucleus of matter into a million shattered pieces.after-effects? tremendous.
a guy talks to me > i find him decent > i have a crush on him > crush evolves to love > guy confesses and we discover our mutual emotions > we end up together > one of us screws up > relationship ends > we're strangers

same old boring drill that never seems to end.there's also another chain:
i have a deluded crush on someone who doesn't know i exist > i find out he has a gf/ likes someone else

can you see where i'm getting to? i'm sick of it,sometimes i just wanna give up and give way to traditional arranged marriage instead.then again,it should be stupid to force yourself to love someone after marriage,what if it doesn't work? what if the emotions develop but are forever...synthetic? think about it.

i am currently in a pathetic waiting phase,yet again.but i've learned the hard way not to give out too much.keep some of the emotions for myself.

i can't believe i would wait for you to talk to me everyday,and look forward to every moment we spend together even if it's only for a few seconds.one question remains, are you worth it?

i sat alone.you came by asking "are you waiting for someone?" my heart screamed "yes,i'm waiting for you!" but my mouth uttered "no,no one.i'm doing my work here." how stupid can i get sometimes?

i hope i could break the chain reaction and make something work out this once in my 18 years of love-failing life.