Narrating My Life part 2 - Philophobia

"I may be physically here but I am emotionally elsewhere.."

This line is neither from a song nor a movie quote,instead it's from the bottom of my heart. I can't deny the fact that I've had a blast during Eid, the Northern Peninsular Trip,I'll just let the photos do the talking in a separate post later when I'm in the mood.Currently,I've been feeling jaded, and somewhat overwhelmed by all these emotions encircling my mind. You can ask some of my closest friends, they knew how i broke down while I was in Penang. I had a gush of depression, it feels like being stabbed in the heart with a thousand daggers.It hit me so suddenly that I had no idea how to react.Negative vibes surrounded my mind and at some point,i feel like giving up everything i've ever wanted : love and music.I feel that I'm incompetent and useless; and I might not succeed in both at all. What I needed was a friend and I'm glad I had one to talk to,at least now I feel less.. useless.I was happy earlier today,the day couldn't be anymore perfect.I've gotten awesome results for my finals,but what hurt me the most is the fact that i'm yet again falling for another guy,who will potentially be another reason for my inner pain.It's all going well,I thought we're only gonna remain friends ,then these stupid feelings just HAD to come by,and i noticed I have a constant emotional pattern every year:

in May: I'll start getting to know a great guy who eventually disappears into thin air,giving me an impression that he will be nothing more than a one-day crush.
in June : I'll somehow bump into him more than I expect,and the crush on him returns.
in July : Our friendship develops due to the frequent encounters,and the feelings start to revolve more and more each day ; something i term as love-crush transition stage.
in August : I'd realise the feeling is going too far and I might have fallen for him already.
in September : I'd feel that it's one-sided (without asking him, just a paranoid assumption) and start to give up on myself.

This roller coaster of emotion goes on every year as if it's a routine I can never neglect.It hurts to repeat the same mistakes all over again.And yesterday,thanks to Maira,I discovered the root of my emotional disturbance:
I'm suffering from a mental condition known as Philophobia (fear of falling in love or being in love). as ridiculous as it sounds,it's actually a serious problem if it gets any worse.I found a site speaking all about philophobes and most of the symptoms actually occur to me.

A little extract from what I've read:
"

• Philophobia is the fear of emotional attachment; fear of being in, or falling in love

Medical science defines philophobia as an abnormal, unwarranted and persistent fear of falling in love. Its name comes from two Greek roots – "philo" meaning love and "phobia" meaning fear of. This fear of love isn't merely a distressing emotional condition; it results in actual physical symptoms, and may even heighten a person's alienation from all people, family, friends, co-workers and neighbors.

In other words, the mind is thinking that falling in love poses a life-or-death threat to such a degree that it automatically prepares the body to fight for survival. This excessive emotional response forms one of the clearest signs that a person is in the grip of a phobia, in this case, the fear of love.

In addition, philophobia produces a distinct set of physical symptoms. Philophobia symptoms range from nervousness or restlessness in the presence of the opposite sex, to feelings of absolute dread at the prospect of meeting someone. In its most extreme cases, philophobia can cause the equivalent of a full-blown panic attack: sweating, irregular heartbeat, shortness of breath, nausea and an intense need to escape from the presence of the potential lover.

As with all phobias, psychiatrists and psychologists aren't in 100% agreement on what sets off philophobia. Sometimes a person dwells on bitter memories of past relationship that didn't go well or that ended badly. Or the sufferer may have an intense fear of rejection and avoids relationships as a way to avoid the embarrassment of being refused by a potential lover. Others may have gone through an acrimonious divorce and be convinced that falling in love again will only lead to another painful divorce or breakup. "

Check out the underlined text,those are what I'm currently experiencing. So far I'm still in the initial stage of the condition whereby I have yet to suffer physical side effects.I'm glad this mental condition can be treated,maybe i really should see a councilor soon before things get worse,but not a soul should tell my family about this.I'm not crazy and it's a minor problem that I think I'm capable of solving on my own,the only issue now is whether or not it'll work.I knew I was mentally wrong somewhere; all the mixed feelings i've been having,the flashbacks of past relationships that haunt me in my sleep and when i'm in idle mode,it makes me lose focus on the real world.Sometimes when i talk to people,i only have enough retention span to listen to half of the conversation,while my mind remains elsewhere.i can't afford to let this run loose,i have a whole new semester to focus on and i can't screw up!

The worst part is,when fear leads to ego.I admit,i think like individuals who (with no disrespect whatsoever) has too many balls.I am to egoistic to admit that I'm in love.I practically repel people I like and what sucks the most is that somehow,as much as I want the feeling to be mutual (in that case I'd be lucky),I want it to be one-sided.It's crazy because I feel that if it's mutual,it's gonna put me into another attachment that might or might not end in a good way. GP is a nice guy.I don't want to hurt him nor do I want our beautiful friendship to ever end.

Should I just let these feelings go?

Narrating my Life - part 1

it's weird,perhaps i've been watching too many chic flicks.it's been a week since i last came to campus,simply due to the one-week study break we have before the finals.first paper is over,Intro to Computing.i guess i did pretty well,except for the java coding part,i swear i have no idea how to do it.then again,the rest was fine.

walking into campus,i can't help but notice the fact that i keep having conversations with my mind,on and on again.it's as if i'm narrating my own life.it's cute if my life were a movie,but since it's reality,it's just plain wrong.as much as i love talking to myself when it comes to decision-making,i don't wanna accidentally murmur something else,that would make me look like i'm a potential cuckoo hut resident.

.................

that was on Monday.i still couldn't believe it's finally Thursday.last paper went well and the first semester is finally over! i really need a vacation from it all.i'm going out for iftar dinner with the family this Friday,and with my friends on Saturday.also heard that we're gonna go back to Perlis,my dad's hometown to celebrate Eid this year.it's about time,i miss the north.can't exactly remember when was the last time i went back to pay my aunts a visit.urgh,the pain of having almost my whole family living nearby,less excitement.gonna miss Din though,he's still in Sabah and he might not be able to be back for Eid this year.duty calls.

p/s: tis very awkward to share a table with a group of strangers,even if they're from your uni.first impression would make me look like a part of their gang considering how they are sitting 'around me' in spite of the other empty tables for them to sit around.then again,i appreciate the company,even if my existence is not really acknowledged.

*emo mode: on*
here i am in SLC waiting for Dex to come,we promised to jam together.it's been awhile.i don't blame him for being late,after all he does have classes.i finished my exam early,so it's kinda my fault that i'm alone. ALONE.. well it's not as bad as you think.sure,under certain circumstances it gets boring and depressing,but right now,i need time and space,i need to think a lot of things over.not just general shit,but stuff that i've been putting on hold due to other aspects of life with larger priority.now that i'm carefree,i'm finally thinking about it.the oast two days had been nothing but drama,not in a bad way though.you know those kind of love stories that make you go "grab his hand!" or "kiss him,dammit!"? those. honestly,when i like someone,i can be very pathetic,although i don't exactly show it,but i know i am - especially if that person fails to leave my mind when i daydream or in idle mode.(before you get any ideas,i'm talking about GP..not Dex.i like GP,not Dex).i absent-mindedly say his name in my every prayer,asking God whether he's 'the one'.i even prayed to God to show me his flaws that might make me change my mind about him,but God seems to be showing all his perfection within imperfections.it made me think,how do i fall out of love now?i'm falling in deeper,and i don't like the idea of pursuing another guy at all.i'm not desperate,i can totally live on my own,but things change since you said hi to me in May.on Monday,i looked around for you but you weren't there.my papers went well but i felt empty.the next day,i looked for you,again,but you were once again invisible.so i sat in a corner with my friends,out of the blue,you appeared just as i was talking about you.i addressed you as Jimmy,and had to cut the conversation off when you came to join us.you said you saw me doing my paper so attentively at 'your block'(typical uni classroom).i've never felt happier to know you actually notice my existence,will you ever notice my feelings for you though?

funny incident.we're talking about our courses,i brought up the fact that i hated reading but i don't mind sciences and my course doesn't require much reading except for the subject i was currently studying.you asked me how thick is the book i need to study. i did an estimation with my hand,and you asked me to do it again. "This thick *finger gesture*" I said..
 "How thick? Can you do it again?"  i did as i was told.
"This.... *finger gesture*"
"Well mine is about... *places fingers very near to mine* this thick.. thicker than yours.."
i laughed,at both the fact that we're competing who's studying more and the fact that i thought he was gonna touch my hand and i refrained.He then started fiddling with my laptop again like he usually does,and was astonished i kept the code file he typed and saved the other day.it's no surprise,if only you knew why i wouldn't get rid of it.

to be continued... OMG that was awkward.i was just talking about him here and there he is,right in front of me,only metres away.