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Contra-Dick



Sometimes..i contradict myself a lot.I say something,while i actually mean something else.no one knows that when silence take control of me,i am full of thoughts.i am not always the bright side up like what meets the eye.i am an optimist,and that's what keeps me standing to this day.i am like a cream-filled biscuit,may appear hard on the outside,but highly fragile and soft on the inside.i love this life,really.i love all the ups and downs i encounter day by day.if my life were a movie or a soap opera,if you may,i would be a loyal fan who can't afford to miss even a single episode as the weeks go by.Love is something very subjective and very unpredictable.You might think it's gone with the wind,while it's not.I seem to be contradicting myself a lot lately,i can say i've fallen out of love today,and fall back in tomorrow.i can say i hate love today,but i might need love tomorrow.and today..i admit:

-i miss him
-i love him,and this time i won't tell anyone about it
-i want to see him happy,eventhough i am not
-i will love him secretly,in my deepest heart,whole of it
-i will never vanish that space for him in my heart,ever
-i am glad the thoughts of me make him smile,while the thoughts of him often make me cry
-i need him,because he has become a part of me
-i confess that my life would suck without him
-i only think of him and no one else
-i am shattered and falling apart at all angles

and today,i realize that loving someone means seeing him smile eventhough your heart is crying.you just have to learn to let go,for the sake of his joy.

-Yana..
scattered into crumbs of deep sorrow.blown away by the wind of autumn.

...

damn..im so retarded i can eat all the books i'm reading.the exam is driving me haywire and totally nuts! yada yada..bosan sudah tengok buku bertimbun.not that i hate school.there's a brightside to all these.NO CHORES,NO DISTURBANCES, but NO EXTRA INTERNET HOURS la.huhu.but it's quite ok since there's only gonna be one subject per day,oklah kan,can focus on one at a time.wah,so much for falling out,apparently i took a one-second reverse and crash! back into the pothole,well,just one tyre but still!! dammit,i'm not as strong as i used to be,haha.so maybe you're gonna say 'i told you so' or 'so i've heard'.i didn't know what i was thinking people,it's like my brain had a major,sudden shutdown in the midst of all of it.it was a smooth journey,until once again i met him.i lost all my fluency and cheerfulness for some reason.am i a little too not over him?i thought i was,really.this is how much a touch can affect all the wires,nuts and bolts in your brain.phew! i have said it many times now,i absolutely hate falling in love.it keeps you from being yourself,it keeps your mind on that certain person and not your health or other important things,it keeps you from going somewhere you yearn to go and it makes you do crazy things! damn..really.what i feel inside right now is a big war between my heart and my mind.my mind had accepted the fact that he's just not mr right,but my heart argues by opposing that thought,all over the slight accident touch.shit! i'm a punk rocker people,not some cheesy person who has nothing to live for but love (sorry if this may sound offensive).sooo his hand accidently touched mine,BIG DEAL.i accidently hit a lot of guys too.fall out! now! lol.reminds me of this song called crumbs by disagree:

Big world
Says he wants to see the light for once,
Well maybe if you try

It's so sad
Babe don't look so sad
I've got it wrong today

And if she doesn't go your way
Look up to blue skies and say hey
It's ok it's ok

well i always loved indie bands,they always play a big role in my life,and their songs had been the soundtrack of my emotions for years.their music understands me better than myself,lol.so i guess that's about it.gonna be having exam for three weeks,toodles for now!

-OVER IT..really.