Out Of Focus



welcome to my overrated lovey-dovey mood post! it's been awhile since i last felt this way,and that was way back in 2009 (around the same time).perhaps it is true that february is the month of love since i tend to fall in love each year particularly in the month of february.either it be coincidence or a curse,it doesn't really matter.what sucks the most about it is the fact that i don't think my love or admiration will ever be returned.well,at least the previous one had some sort of hope,but this time round,no luck.getting your friend request rejected,your presence ignored and having only the mere opportunity to catch a glimpse of someone whom you love secretly each day isn't really the type of love story i had in mind.i imagined something more like a fairy tale that starts off bitter and ends up as sweet as it can be.alas,i get otherwise either it's the other way around or plainly bitter all the way through.i'm not bothered in any way,it's just that,if only there's a way to shake off all these feelings and get my life back on track as it used to be when i wasn't in love.life was smooth sailing since i fell out of love a few months ago and now i'm back on the roller coaster ride.loop-de-loop,over and under again,it's driving me NUTS!! worst still,i have an essay due this tuesday and all i did today was loiter around with my mom and aunt (which was actually better than staying miserably at home) and burning my night away just thinking about my ever unsuccessful love story.it's ridiculous and i've been trying to put a stop to it since forever.no,it doesn't seem to work.i know what i should be focusing on instead but being human makes these feelings inevitable.how i wish i didn;t have to move out of convent this soon.at least i shouldn't have to face any troubles adapting.love finally fades away and comes back again with a bigger impact.dear God,show me the way.don't get me wrong,i love this damansarian life,but i hate the re-falling in love part of it.i need love,but not your sympathy.

-Yana
too solemn to celebrate my finding of mika's deluxe album.

Maybe I Need Love

Your Sympathy - Mika

Running out of breath
Chasing down the big parade, rising up my hand, thought I'd beg the marching band to play, for me
all of these illusions, they really mean the world to me, me

Don't make me out to be this helpless child of misery, maybe love is what I need
but not your sympathy

In and out of space, I'm always somewhere in between,
I try to make commands but instead I make a mess of things, for me

I try paint by numbers, but nothing's black and white to me

Don't make me out to be this helpless child of misery, maybe love is what I need
but not your sympathy

Nothing and no one can make your lies the truth, and no one can stand inside your shoes but you

Don't make me out to be this helpless child misery, maybe love is what I need
but not your sympathy
but not your sympathy

life is like a harsh teacher who prefers to let us learn from our own mistakes rather than spoon-feed us all the necessary lessons.nevertheless,believe it or not,life is the best teacher you could ever imagine.it doesn't talk much,it doesn't judge you and it doesn't speculate.all it does is teach you in finding the right way in every day life.this is why i value life more than anything.

in this case,what life thought me about the most is regarding love.Love is general.everything requires love.a child requires tender love and concern from his or mother to grow up to become an able person who plays an important part in changing the world.love is needed to bake lovely cookies or to make plants grow.in short,love makes the world go round.love can either make you or break you,it pretty much depends on how you handle it.also,how easily do you fall in love.this is where i have always been mistaken.loving someone doesn't always mean gaining back the love,that's what i've learnt.that is one thing that i don't understand about the worldly orders,everything seems so perfect,the water cycle,the food webs,the circle of life etc,but what about love?why is it so hard to find a mutual one?just like nature,nature loves human beings but i don't see that love being returned at all.okay,i talk too much sometimes.going straight to the point, i have this minor crush on my new tuitionmate.it's been 3 months actually.it started off with sympathy of him being a bully material all the time,which ironically revolved to a minor feeling that i despise so much,slight crush.afterwards,i started to see him very frequently at school.i wanted to know his name just for fun,so i caught a glimpse of his name tag on his blazer one fine morning.pretty much contented,i got stuck with the wrong idea of his name for months.it wasn't long until i spilled the beans to ily during our study group,and today,i realized that i got his name wrong all along!!! he's a prefect,so guys have this habit of sharing stuff with their friends.he switched blazers with one of his friends,so the name tag is basically his friend's,not his.now i know what his real name is,yet he doesn't know me,or probably will never know me.i'll usually freeze in his presence or couldn't act natural as i usually do.take for instance,today Ily brought an album of photos from the past year school events.among them are class portraits of 4 Aktif and 4 Amanah.he stood right in front of me,excitedly flipped the album (the pages almost hit my nose but i didn't really mind! ftw...) and looked for his picture.it was pretty cute of him actually,heheheh..it was then i realised how easily i fall for people.i read amanda byne's tweet saying that one should only fall for someone who is willing to catch him/her and for once,she's got a point.maybe it's just a minor crush,who cares if i can't stop thinking about him or blush when he's nearby.i've learnt my lesson,i won;t easily give away my heart anymore.let it be a minimal admiration (for now).

-Yana
emotions go away!!!