FAQ: Why I chose a private university over a public one.

Hey guys, I know I've been going on a very long blog hiatus but that's only because there has been so much stuff that has happened to me - also maybe because I didn't have much to write about.

Looking back at my most recent post..Wow.. My last post was literally last year when I was still hung up on that one guy I wrote a song about, and it was published on Thought Catalog. Right now I'm hung up on another guy - one whom I have least expected. But let's save that for another post.

EVERYBODY WAS KUNGFU FIGHTINGGGGG~~

As you may or may not be aware, I have already stepped into the career lady world; achieving milestones upon milestones ever since, slowly but surely. It has been a glorious period of four years in college, which sadly had to eventually come to an end about four months ago- but every end is a new beginning. It's funny reading all my rants when I was 18, about not having a job or the privilege of driving, and now I have both. I have come a long way, and it has been an incredible journey. Working life has been treating me well so far, a little kinks here and there that need to be ironed out,but nonetheless, I have no complaints. I have colleagues who are beyond helpful, bosses with whom I can talk to about anything and everything, not to mention the endless opportunities of venturing out to a foreign country later on in my career. It's good to know that the effort I have put on for the past 4 years of foundation and degree in Software Engineering is finally coming into fruition. 

Then again, one question lingers on everyone's minds, why did I choose a private university over a public one in the first place? I had decent SPM results and could easily get into any course I wanted. It made me question myself too at first, especially with the fact that I didn't even bother applying. One thing I have to set straight for everyone, I did get an offer from UTM, I just didn't take it because at the time,I was already enrolled in my current uni. However, I have my own reasons as to why I rejected the offer too:

Proof that I wasn't lying, blurred out because my phone was too 'canggih' haha
Also because I didn't want y'all stalking me at home zahkghsakl

1. The essentials - transport, accommodation, expenses

One of the reasons is the fact that I don't particularly function well in the studying department if my environment causes discomfort. My brother was in the same private uni as I was hence I guess it's more financially friendly to carpool to and from campus, not to mention that it was only 20 minutes away from home,which means we were able to cut down on rent as well - staying at home is free and food is free, you get me? You may say that it's ironic to say that a private uni that hikes up the price of their courses is "easy on my wallet", but fret you should not, as I come to my next point.

2. Scholarship offers

As I mentioned, I had decent SPM results, which of course would make me eligible to apply for scholarships (not tooting my own horn but I was a scholar). It came with a catch, I had to 'serve' my uni as compensation, but the good news was I could choose how : I organized a few events under my faculty and I was also in charge of the Music Club.

3. Dual-award system

I'm not saying I'm degrading the Malaysian higher education system, but the private uni I was in actually gave us an option to venture out of the country, and even if we don't, our system was on dual-award basis - in layman terms, when I got my degree cert, I had two of them; one from my uni and the other one from the twinning university (UWE in Bristol). All our exams and projects were evaluated by two panels, the local ones consisting our lecturers and also examiners from UWE, which means it's way harder to pass. At this point, I don't quite get why people keep saying that private university students 'pay to pass', you have absolutely no idea what we go through. We pay to resit our papers (which thankfully,I did not have to do as I have never failed any papers in my life), but that's about it. Failing means you lose more money, there is absolutely no concept of 'buying our degree'. When we graduate,it really means we earned it, and as you may or may not be aware, the British education system is very strict in their quality control - this especially applies to their fresh graduates too, simply because they don't want rubbish to come out of their institution.

4. Freedom

Ironically (again),I was a prefect in school. I was one of the board of discipline members, and I was one of the 'authorities' who helped uphold the school's regulations. Let's be real here, eventually, you'll outgrow that trait and would want to be free too right? Especially when you're already 18. College life is something you would want to enjoy (of course with certain limits,but it differs with individuals). I felt that I needed that freedom,and the tight regulations in public universities weren't going to cut it for me. There were rules in my university too but they were far less rigid - no dress codes for example. I believe college life is when you truly capture the essence of whom you are as an individual and with rigid rules, I don't think I would be capable of doing that. Learning isn't just about regurgitating what is in your textbooks, it goes beyond - like finding your true inner self. Then comes my final point which relates strongly to growth.

5. Diversity

I apologize for my lack of sensitivity,but I noticed that public universities are mostly dominated by a single race.I have once read about how it helps to befriend people from different walks of life in order to provide a room for you to grow; I didn't think I would get much of this unless I attend a university with international students. I can proudly say that in spite of the differences in belief, culture and mentalities, I now have a diverse circle of friends with whom I can share my experiences with,and they are incredible people I have met in college - some who are even much more loyal to me than people I have known my entire life. It goes back to learning tolerance,respect and understanding. It's very interesting to talk to different people to understand what's on their mind,what made them who they are now, etc. 

And there you have it, my entire explanation.You can never truly grow as a person unless you leave your comfort zone and venture out into the open in the name of discovery. Never be afraid of change, embrace it, and that's how you win at the game of life.

Why We Find It Hard to Move On

If your heart is your home, then feelings are visitors. Sometimes their presence is expected, and other times they would pay you a surprise visit, but the question lies ... for how long? Most of the time, your heart will be welcoming their arrival with open arms.Some feelings would drop by only for a mere moment, others stay a little bit longer, and if you're unlucky, certain feelings will even permanently reside in the deepest core of your soul - overstaying their welcome, eventually taking up the space you have been saving for something life-changing and meaningful. They will consume everything you have and change everything that you are, and they will be the part of you that you never knew you needed. They will be that missing puzzle piece in your life that completes you in such a way that you can no longer imagine living life before them.

And that is it, you're screwed. If the analogy is true, there is no eliminating the feelings that grow from within you, after all, how rude would it be to simply kick out a guest who pays you a visit? Even if you do, you would ruin everything you've had with this visitor especially if things do not end on good terms. Nothing good ever comes from trying to abruptly snap yourself out of a feeling that has gotten so strong.

Yes, you might have that false sense of freedom once you feel as though you have completely eliminated unnecessary emotional baggage with such haste, but how sure are you that they won't recur?

Some say feelings that return are feelings that never left the first place, otherwise they would have just been temporary, like perhaps a crush you had on your classmate in high school. You were so infatuated back in the days, you felt as though it was the real deal and that it would have been impossible to get over them - then again, you eventually did.

Then comes that person from college who drove you equally crazy and beyond, whom you have mistaken for yet another infatuation. You thought the feelings would be gone the second you hold that roll of diploma in your hands, and you could think of nothing but starting your new career life as you flung that mortar board in mid-air. You thought you would have a one-track mind again just because you will no longer see that object of affection. Wrong.

What happens when you suddenly see this person again in a different phase of your life? Perhaps you end up working under the same organization, or worst still, you bump into them while they are on a vacation with their family - now happily married while you are still trying to figure out your life? Will you be able to leave the past behind and stay on platonic grounds with them? Or will you find yourself trying very hard to keep a straight face, lying to yourself that you are happy for them while in truth you are crumbling from the inside; stuffing your face with half your weight's worth of ice cream later that night in your hotel room alone to drown your sorrows? If you find yourself reacting similarly to the latter, you're a goner.

Your feelings have evolved into something so colossal, that it is now overpowering you. It wasn't "just a crush" after all, it's love! Very agonizing, isn't it? Especially with the fact that there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. After all these years, you thought you were finally over them, and then something shows up to prove you wrong.

Sometimes, the most trivial of things from your surroundings can be a trigger that brings back memories from the past, making your old scars bleed again. As much as you want to forget something or someone, sometimes there are just no effective way to do it. It can be a song that takes you back to a timeline when you were so smitten by a particular person, it was as if there was no tomorrow. There was only now, you lived in the moment and you wished it would never have to end ; once you return to the current reality, you feel ashamed of yourself for living in the past.

"Live in the moment, because when time has passed, it will never return." A piece of advice repeated but a broken record, nevertheless often subconsciously ignored anyway because people tend to hold on to the past so firmly that they tend to take the present time for granted, and at times they tend to forget that there is still a future ahead of them. Why? Simply because the future is scary and uncertain, while the past is so well-defined, much like a comfort zone to return to whenever things get messed up in the present. This is why it is so hard to move on.

So if we are not supposed to force ourselves to stop our own feelings, what are we to do? Ironically enough, the cliche' "Time heals" applies here, regardless of how overrated the relative concept of time is.There are just certain problems in life that you can never find a solution to, so you ought to resort to waiting instead. As pathetic as it may sound, you have to know when to stop pushing. Treat your feelings like your visitors, let them naturally come and go as they please.

There comes a moment in life where you just have to buckle up and sit back ;  let the universe take its own course and just enjoy the ride. What happens next? Time will tell. Let destiny surprise you. For all you know, you're heading for the ride of your life.

How HIMYM Should Have Ended

SPOILER ALERT!

One of America's Most Watched comedy of the 21st century, How I Met Your Mother, has finally closed its curtains last Monday with a one-hour special finale, but here comes the big question, how happy were the fans with how the writers concluded the show? What with the fact that the finale confirmed one of our greatest fears sparked by online theories : the Mother's death. It was a rather morbid way to end a comedy, really, in spite of how the writers had cleverly slipped in hints of seriousness amongst the multiple misadventures thoughout the 9 seasons such as Robin's infertility, passing of Marshall's dad, Ted being left at the altar, Barney's quest to find his long-lost dad and even Lily's career conflict that made her leave Marshall as she made her way to San Francisco.

Speaking for myself,and some of the fans of HIMYM who are acquainted with me, I can say that fans who rooted for the Mother to end up with Ted are extremely disappointed with the sudden plot twist. Not only is it sloppy - cramming every single huge detail revolving around the mother's passing and Robin & Barney's divorce into one confusing episode, it is also anti-climatic in a sense that it defeats the purpose of Barney having a legendary wedding in the first place if he's going to split up with Robin anyway. Just as we thought that Barney has finally settled down,he knocked up a girl (whom he addressed as number 31) during his one-month streak and had a baby named Ellie whom he later found out to be the true love of his life. I was clearly unhappy with how the writers wrapped up the final season. They could have at least introduced one of these major points earlier on rather than throwing lame puns upon lame puns to the audience just to 'stretch' the season to be longer. With that being said, here's how I've imagined the ending to HIMYM to be instead :

It starts off as usual, Ted's two kids seated on the sofa as Ted tells them the story that approaches the moment he met his wife (their mother) where he mentions his last night in NYC before he was leaving for Chicago the next day. He was seated at the dinner table where the wedding reception was held,and he saw The Mother, on stage, playing bass for the band who were performing for the wedding.Barney saw Ted and the Mother locking eyes,and wanted to be Ted's wingman one last time but before he could pull off the usual "haaaave you met Ted?" charade, Ted walked out and refused to play as he was already leaving NYC and it wouldn't be realistic. He then said good bye to everybody in the gang individually. While he hugs everybody and gives his little speech, the Mother observes from a distance,wishing she could meet Ted.

It was fate, as Ted was waiting for his train in Farhampton, he tells the old lady next to him about the bassist girl he had seen earlier and seconds later, she showed up with her yellow umbrella and her bass in a hard case. The old lady encouraged Ted to approach her,and so he gathered all his courage and spoke to her. They started to connect through coincidences, and it all started to make sense to Ted. The train finally stops and the Mother got off, bidding farewell to Ted but she left her bass in the train by accident. Ted went after her,carrying the bass with him and they met each other again right before the Mother got on the cab. Both of them exchanged glances and greeted each other with an awkward "hi", then the scene ends.

As Ted wraps up the story to his kids with "So that kids, is how I met your mother..", his wife walks in with a baby in her arms,smirking as she says :
"You're finally wrapping up that story huh? Classic Schmosby. Now come on over here partner, I need a hand with Ellie." Ted walks over to his wife, gives her a gentle peck on her cheek and helps her tuck Ellie into bed while their kids wait outside the bedroom. Robin & Barney walks in a few hours later to get Ellie,and thanks Ted & Tracy for babysitting for them while they were away for a news trip in Argentina. The camera zooms in on Ted & Tracy's wedding photo where the flashbacks began. Robin & Barney got into a huge fight during the weekend of the wedding because of Robin's hectic career, but they then realized that there was a way to make it work by merely observing Marshall,Lily, Marvin and Daisy. With the help of James (Barney's gay brother),they managed to get hold of the right organizations and adopted a daughter which they agreed to name Ellie Stinson- Scherbatsky.

The scene ends with the camera zooming in to the photos of the happy families in frames - The Eriksens with Marshall in a judge suit and all of them surrounded by Lily's paintings, The Mosbies beside Ted's most glorious architecture model, The Stinsons and finally the entire gang with their children in McLaren's Pub,flashbacks of all the coincidences come in snapshots on the screen, including how the rest of the gang were first acquainted with the Mother. and finally the yellow umbrella positioned near the bar to conclude it all.

That, is how HIMYM should have ended in my perspective.
 

Four-Way Street : Things I Miss About You

I wish my mind were a four-way street, so there will be multiple chances for you to get hit by a bus or a truck every time you cross it , in this case almost all the time , mostly before I sleep and when I wake up. And why would I wish for such a horrid thing? It's just so you know how much it hurts to miss you all the time while you clearly do not give a damn, and then having to pretend I'm okay simply because people can't take a hint that I get tired of talking about my feelings.

It's torturous to think that you might never have thought about me anyway, I'm way too insignificant for your concern. You live your life everyday without me, like I've never meant anything to you. Like all those memories we had and the secrets we shared were absolutely redundant. How do you do that? How do you pull through? How do you just,completely erase my existence?

I have cut off a lot of people in my life simply because they serve no purpose, and they have forgotten about me entirely, they found someone better than me and hence decided to move on to a future where I play no prominent role - if life were a movie I'd probably just be a passer-by or an extra they used to know,and no longer care about. I should do the same to you but deep down, my heart refuses to. And the big question is why?

It's bizarre how someone can transition from a stranger,to a friend, to slightly more than friends and when things fall apart,back to strangers again. It happens so gradually and silently, that you don't see it coming. I should've known that our relationship was heading for the ruins ever since the day I got attached to you. I accept the fact that we are not meant to be, in spite of how much we have in common and how much we mutually understand each other, but I did not expect "we can't be more than friends" to be a complete deal breaker to our friendship. I realize that things will never be the same,and to recover from the damage is near to impossible,but it hurts to know that I'm the only one fighting to keep the friendship.

It kills me to see how you're talking to everyone else in the gang but me. Of course,I mirrored that behavior but the fact that it's not in my nature to ignore people, it cuts me deep. No one knows how many times I've internally screamed "I MISS YOU! TALK TO ME!" whenever you're around, whilst not being able to do anything about it. I can't text you knowing you might not reply to me,and Facebook's "seen" feature does not help - it tells me you've read my text but do not bother to reply. I can't invite you out, you might think I'm trying to get a second chance to be with you while I clearly have no choice but to rule out the idea. I can't talk to you without you giving me that "why are you trying to start a conversation with me? we're done,get over it" look. Every single thing I do will only result in your misinterpretation,and drive you further away from me than you already are. I miss you but I can't tell you so, do you realize how painful that is?

There are times when I feel like I've completely moved on, and then something triggers that long gone emotion buried deep within the valleys of supposedly broken hopes. The memories that linger with each and every single stimuli my senses pick up throughout the day, from songs to a variety of scents and sometimes even visuals.

There is no escaping flashbacks of you it seems.

The fried chicken joint that sells crispy chicken tenders reminds me of the time I pretended to be full and gave you my mashed potatoes because you love it.

The smell of the rain reminds me of the time we watched our favorite band live in concert together and I cried in the rain, so you comforted me thinking I was having a flu - silly you.

Slippery floors remind me of the time you tripped on my shoe and I laughed at you , only to find myself tripping on your shoes too not one second later - karma is a bitch but we both had a good laugh on the floor.

Falling asleep while texting reminds me of the time you panicked when I didn't reply to your text, so you flooded my inbox with probably 50 messages only to find out I dozed off out of exhaustion.

Waking up to the calming tunes on the radio reminds of the time I hit the sack earlier than you did so you decided to link me a song  for me to "start the day with" the next morning.

Tiny hills remind me of the time you tried to be a gentleman and offered your hand to help me climb up a small cliff, but slipped and I caught you by the shoulders.

My Alain Delon heels remind me of the time you called me short and kicked my stiletto just to mess with me, and then you ran when I tried to kick you back.

My cellphone lock screen reminds me of the time you figured out my password pattern and tried to spread it to everyone in our gang, so I poked you in the rib.

The couch reminds me of the time you came to my house for Eid,and fell asleep when everyone was too busy sharing horror tales.

The hallways remind me of the time we had our first rave together at midnight,and we sang our lungs out to the tunes of "If I Lose Myself" by One Republic at the empty hallway - that was the night you proclaimed it to be "our song".

Cab rides remind me of the time I helped you and our friend move to a new apartment, she purposely left us in the same cab alone with your stuff while she took a separate one with hers just because she knows I had sort of a crush on you.

But there is one thing I will never forget : morning wake up calls. They remind me of the time you looked at our schedule wrongly and woke me up at 8am, asking me where the venue for the class is.It was the only day I could have slept in but you ruined it,yet I couldn't get mad at you at all.

That was when I realized, you were not just a friend to me. You can never be just that, and I guess I can pretend all I want, it will never change how I feel about you - even if you don't feel the same way about me.

And maybe the reason I can't let go is not because I'm stubborn, but because maybe... maybe I've actually started to love you. You may no longer be in my life anymore, but you will always be a part of my bittersweet memories. And this wasted heart will always miss and love you from afar.

Dream Funeral

Very often we find girls discussing their dream weddings, where to have it, what theme, what food should be served and pretty much the works. I find this very superficial, how sure are you that you'll get married one day? I did a lot of thinking on my own and I know one thing for sure,and brace yourselves,it's a very morbid thought. Whether you like it or not, death is a bitter truth, it's inevitable and everyone will experience it sooner or later,what differs with individuals is how... and when. 

Of course, just like every other Muslim, I'll go through the religious procedures of funerals, but for my friends,I'd like to have a little get together. Something fun, a celebration of life kind of party perhaps. A little montage of my performances when I lived in holographic form, my favorite food will be served,and there will be personal letters written for people I knew and loved, all hidden in places we used to spend time together in. That's the fun part, it'll keep them treasure hunting,and reminiscing moment by moment to try and figure out where I hid the letters.

 I would have nothing to hide I suppose? So there should be a sort of a lucky draw, so people won't argue about which belonging of mine they'd keep. That includes my laptop,my cellphone, my guitars, my drawings, my poetries, my toys, my photos, etc. But here's the catch, one person can only draw one card,meaning keep only one belonging to be fair to everyone. My family will decide which belongings they wanna keep first before 'auctioning' them away. 

I guess here's the best part of planning a life celebration party, the playlist! Here are the mandatory songs :

1. Ha Ha You're Dead - Green Day (because I want people to laugh and remember me in an amusing way)

2. Good Life - One Republic

3. Paradise - Coldplay 

4. Drops of Jupiter - Train

5. Angels or Devils - Dishwalla

6. My Sacrifice - Creed

7. Will You Be There - Michael Jackson ( ok,one song just to make people cry,I'm a dick lol)

8. Time Is Running Out - Muse

9. In The End - Linkin Park

10. Home - Daughtry

11. Keep Holding On - Avril Lavigne

12. (if I have kids) Arjuna Beta by Fynn Jamal & Tersenyumlah - Andhika Pratama

13. (if I'm married but I don't have kids)  Vanilla Twilight - Owl City & Back At One - Brian McKnight

14. (if I'm not married but engaged) Hadapi Dengan Senyuman - Dewa 19 & Forever and Always - Parachute

15. (if I'm not engaged but in a relationship) The Reason - Hoobastank & A Thousand Miles - Vanessa Carlton

16. (if I love someone but he doesn't know) Pemuja Rahasia - Sheila On 7 & Happy Ending by Mika

17.  When I'm Gone - Simple Plan

18. Graduation - Vitamin C ( because it's about friendship)

19. Kenangan Terindah - Samsons

20. Time Of Your Life - Green Day (what better song than this?)

I want 50% of my money to be donated to charity, probably a mosque or an orphanage. And I want my organs to be donated to help those in need of a transplant, hopefully by the time I die,they're still useful.My life mission has always been to contribute to society even when I'm gone :3

That's all I can think of from the top of my head at the moment, I do hope it doesn't happen anytime soon,I'm gonna need time to write the letters,and I have a bucketlist full of stuff I've yet to do!

I hope my friends or family will be able to find this :)

Lines

Yet another poem I wrote out of random emotional spurs.

Saying you and I are parallel lines may seem sweet,

Because as luck would have it,

Are similar in slope, in every bit,

But alas, are never destined to meet,

You and I are nothing but perpendicular lines,

Meeting halfway by right-angled binds,

And parting ways, never again to intertwine.

Sleepless Nights

This is a poem I came up with in class, out of randomness. I started with a two-liner on Twitter,and now I'm inspired to make the full version of it. Enjoy!

My life is a series of sleepless nights,

An array of caffeine delights,

Countless frights 

Of my wrongs and rights

And the shadows lurking in broad daylight,

A relentless battle of humility and pride,

A flock of emotions taking flight,

Heading south in spite

Of an expected turbulent ride,

A raging war, a blinding sight,

Rays of doubt from the heart's might.

Jika hidup harus berputar,biarlah berputar

Translated,the lyrics mean "If life must go on, so it shall." It's a snippet of the lyrics from my favorite Indonesian band Sheila On 7's song "Sekali Lagi "(One More Time). Very apt, a song that's both sad and uplifting at the same time. I haven't been able to stop listening to it as of yet ,simply because of how much I can relate to it. This year had been very turbulent in so many ways. So many ups and downs,so many walk-ins and walk-outs, so many new friends gained and friends I've lost. It's a year full of lessons, a year unlike any other. I've had a fair share of laughter and tears,and when I looked back at all these photos to see how much has changed since, it's overwhelming. It's not even been a year and yet, I can say I miss these people quite terribly. A lot of firsthand experiences, a lot of heartbreaks,a lot of success. These aren't in any particular order, every moment is just as special as the other <3

These were the moments I've had with my Music Club extended family.

Top left : That memorable rooftop pizza feast and acoustic jam at Ron's during Chinese New Year :') 

Top right: Michelle Thomas' surprise birthday party organized by her bf Adam Wasabi (also my brother from another mother) in Spaghetti Grill,Paradigm Mall

Bottom left: Jessie's farewell party and 21st birthday celebration

Bottom right :  Mahirah's return from down under :)) karaoke and lunch session,in spite of my busy assignment season.

My first prom, my first dance :)) and my first time performing as a bassist. p/s: Julius is just a friend lol.

My trip back to Muar to visit my childhood buddies :)) the troubles I've gotten myself into with Jemima when we missed our bus and LRT on our way,the hospitality shown by my Double E and Yenny when we're in Muar,not to mention Celine our faithful tour guide.

Being lucky enough to meet Chester See, David Choi and Jason Chen during the IM4U ReachOut event on campus :)) also I bumped into Marianne Tan (from JinnyBoy's videos,in case you were wondering) and the adorable miss Sazzy Falak.

My first laser tag experience with my boys :

The Nesh triplets came in top three,followed by Benny,me and Mirza ( a new friend). Good to be one of the boys sometimes :))

The second couple I've successfully matchmade :)) my current bestfriends Rachel and TK.I haven't known them for long,but what matter the most is how much they've been there for me. I can see them at my front porch,having tea with me (and hopefully my significant other,or cat haha). The kind of friends I hope to grow old together with :') Love you guys.

Reunions with the high school gang :)) 

Not to mention, my own Music Club extended family :))

More reunions with the childhood besties :))

My first BurgerLab experience with my Socit besties :))

Angyu,Yen,Khanna and Leon

Of course random lunches with my SLC family,yup ! The House of Vorosmarthy we'd call it.

I got lucky enough to get VIP passes to Hitz invasion as well thanks to Ash, so I decided to share my good fortune with my good friends Benny,Nesh, and Nicholas.Well the passes were meant for two,but I had my ways hehe. VIP treatment,free food, good view of the stage, and of course, my first ever rave experience! Personally loved the neon cube chairs <3

God lent me a furry companion for 4 months.. Scotty :)) the most well-mannered,loyal cat I've ever met. I hope you know you're loved,I may have physically lost you, but you're in a better place now,and to me,you live on in my heart <3

Rachel's surprise birthday party by the SLC family - Amanda was the mastermind!

My open house attended by my classmates, highschool besties and my Music Club family <3 

And not to forget, the trip to Genting Highlands with my Gossip Girls sisters <3  6 years of friendship and still counting.

Let's not forget... the day I got really lucky,so I invited him along.

It was a magical night,and I realized he wasn't just a friend to me. 

And we went for a movie the next day. Thor - the Dark World.

But sadly things weren't meant to be,funny how the world works sometimes.I just hope things will look up in 2014.

Here's to no regrets,no what if's,and to all the why nots :))

Happy New Year !

I Regret Nothing

Emotions. Something we wish we had control of but are never aware could conquer our lives.We keep telling ourselves that there's a reason why the brain is placed in a position higher than the heart,so that we're always reminded to keep our minds over matter; but how many times did we actually think before we obey our feelings? Be it gut feelings or blind emotions, both are similarly mindless. You know you're going to get hurt eventually, but sometimes these things are just beyond your power.You may be the smartest person alive, but when it comes to feelings, I'm sorry to say,everyone's rendered dumb as a mule. When it comes to emotions, we thought we could set rules and principles to abide and then someone special shows up - one who is able to rip apart all the codes you've compiled into a book - that set of rules you were supposed to use as somewhat of a guide to your love life. And that checklist containing items of your dream guy? Shredded to smithereens. This guy checks off none of the items,and yet he made you weak on your knees.He occupies a large space in your heart, leaving the rest of your celebrity crushes squeezed into a small one-bedroom apartment-like area that barely fits a decent bed, let alone furniture.Before and after your slumber, he goes up to the subconscious part of your mind, and feeds your thoughts with flashbacks of moments spent with him,every single one of it from the biggest moments to the simple jokes he made over the texts he sends you. They turn into dreams, sweet dreams, wishful thinking, which leads to expectations.Sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night and there he is, lingering in your thoughts. Your heart feels heavy,and tears stream down your face. How did it come to this? He was barely anybody when you first met him, you guys barely talk but when you started to,the conversations get too deep and extended too long. He started empathizing your every dismay,and likewise. You feel like you can talk to him about anything,and in return he opens up to you. The chemistry is amazing. The two of you could be genuine around each other, and then you realized that it has become a routine to talk to him on a daily basis. You realized that in spite of certain prominent differences in personality traits, he really is just a mirror image of yourself. Is he your soulmate? You asked yourself. You start looking up for signs that you're crushing on him,and all signs return you a positive answer. You went into denial stage, you asked him to hang out with you,just the two of you,for some sort of false justification that you do not have feelings for him,and even if you do,it was platonic. It didn't turn out the way you want it to,you were in a dilemma now. Your feelings get deeper when you realize that you insanely missed him when he's not there,and get terribly jealous when he hangs out with his  bestfriends more than he hangs out with you. You wish you were his bestfriend,but of course your heart wants to go beyond that. You swallowed your feelings,and planned to keep it to yourself but everytime you see him, your heart beats really fast. You lose your common sense, and you try to keep it cool but you're so nervous,you start dropping everything you hold. He calls you a klutz but he tripped on your foot and almost fell.  The two of you seemed like you were meant for each other. He suddenly stops talking to you,and you don't know why. You thought you could live with it by telling yourself he's busy,but you know deep down that something was wrong,in fact,why do you care so much? You couldn't stop thinking about him but the only thing that distracts your mind is the work you have for school and the exams you have to study for. You think about him with every chance you get,and you know that your feelings are intensifying. No matter how hard you try,you can't get him off of your mind. It kills you inside when you can't brush off the feelings. Would you risk losing a friend because of your emotions? You asked yourself. You texted him, but he wasn't the same person anymore. He grew distant, and he seemed more zoned out. When you pointed this out,there was silence on the other hand. Something was up but you brushed it off for the time being,and when the time comes,he is still indifferent. Maybe there's someone else, you thought,but you don't know for sure. You took a leap of faith, you picked up your phone one night and told him everything. You expected a bad answer, one that would break your heart but to no avail. You are prepared for the worst,but the unthinkable happened. You poured your feelings out, but he is rendered speechless. He sobbed. You didn't know what to do. He kept apologizing for not knowing how to react to your sudden outburst. It was so overwhelming,you were literally losing it, overflowing with emotions and reduced to tears.He says he'll think about it,but days and nights have passed,still nothing from his end. You start to lose hope,but you wanted to salvage and undo the damage. You texted him,reassuring that it's okay to not feel the same way. Feeling can't be forced nor stopped.No replies. He changed. He used to reply to the most trivial texts you sent him,now he never replies anymore. And you just sit there,waiting and waiting. Your friends tried to convince you that he's not worth it and that you deserve better,your mind agrees but your heart stays anchored on where you stand. You try to walk away,but you can't move. You try to move on,but "maybe" lingers on your mind. What if he's just confused? What is he's contemplating something? What if he doesn't care? What ifs. You expected closure but you get none,you begin to question where you patience comes from. It's amazing how you're still waiting.In the words of Charmaine Wong:

"I know patience is virtue but waiting for something you're not sure if it's gonna happen is what I like to call, wishful patience."

Maybe I shouldn't have told him, but somehow I regret nothing.It's better to regret something you did or said rather than regret something you didn't do or say. And the ironic thing is that I've been getting a lot of remarks about how I look like Kirsten Dunst.

When Everything Feels like the Movies ...

...you bleed just to know you're alive.

It's been awhile since my last post,so I just thought I'd be a little theatrical with my update as a compensation for my absence hehe. A lot has been going on but I think I will recap everything on new year's eve as I usually do,simply because there are just too much to write about!

So technically the above shot of Nicholas Cage and Meg Ryan is from this 1998 movie called City of Angels which inspired numerous amazing songs (i.e Iris by Goo Goo Dolls and Angel by Sarah McLachlan).Out of curiosity,I decided to torrent it and finally watched it today.I underestimated its quality due to the 6.6 rating on IMDB but to my surprise,it was actually a pretty good movie! The storyline was very straightforward, revolving around the life of Seth (the angel of death,portrayed by Nicholas Cage) who fell for a heart surgeon (Maggie Rice) so he gave up his immortality to be with her. He had no regrets, as his quote goes :
"I would rather have one breath of her hair, one kiss of her mouth,one touch of her hand ; than an eternity without it. One!" Apparently, the movie implied that angels do not fear,feel,taste and touch and that by giving up immortality alone, Seth was able to experience these. Iris made a lot more sense to me now ,especially the line "I would give up forever to touch you". It was eye-opening to the very least,especially when I can relate to it. A few days back I wished I didn't have emotions because feelings hurt, but bless this movie,I had an entirely different perspective on life now.  Emotions seem to be the only aspect that tells apart human beings from other entities with almost similar level of intelligence. Emotions are the only proof that we are living, which brings me to yet another movie I personally adore regardless of its logic.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have feelings, but then I was brought back to the days when all I could feel was numbness. It was hell,I didn't laugh,I couldn't cry and I had amazing anger management but I felt empty.It was almost as if I was a mindless,soul-less shell of a human being,walking about just for the sole purpose of existing.

Life may be fragile and immortality may be desirable, but nothing beats the beauty of emotions and the ability to sense.Sometimes it's good to get hurt,it reminds you that your heart is still beating and your soul is still intact.

Live Below The Line 2013 - Starvation & Malnutrition Awareness

ehem.. Tom Hiddleston with a Guinean child.

Hey guys! Once again,I apologize for having a blog post hiatus, life has gotten the better of me and I barely have any time for updates! Then again,here I am with an update unlike any other,a one-week deed I committed, that made me feel so good inside I'd probably levitate with joy if that's even possible! Are you guys familiar with the Live Below The Line campaign by UNICEF? If you're not,I don't blame you simply because I too have just recently discovered it,all thanks to Rachel,Amanda and Kay Lee. This might be a little fangirly, but we thank Tom Hiddleston (Loki from The Avengers) for indirectly introducing us to this lovely campaign.He's a high profile supporter of the said campaign whereby he visited Guinean families on one of the UNICEF missions in Africa and couldn't help but notice the overwhelming number of children starving and suffering from malnutrition.

The campaign catch : For 5 days (29th April - 3rd May), campaign supporters are challenged to only spend a maximum of 1 Euro (equivalent to RM5) for food and drinks to commemorate people from third world countries who suffer from malnutrition and starvation.

The four of us : Rachel,Amanda, Kay Lee and myself decided to take up the challenge. To be perfectly honest,it was a huge thing for me considering the fact that I'm a picky eater and eating below usual budget (or rather,living below the line,if you must) is not really something I'd do on a normal basis, also with the fact that it's near to impossible to be having a healthy meal on campus with such low budget.

Day 1 - I actually planned the meal on the night prior to the first day of the challenge,so it wasn't as bad as expected. This was a plate of nasi lemak from Mbuji Cafe that cost me RM2.50,half of the limit. It's pretty decent for its price,although somehow,for the first time ever,I cleaned the plate due to mental hunger. It was a challenge considering the fact other people are having 'better food'.

Day 2 - RM2 popcorn from the vending machine and RM2.10 cup noodles. RM4.10 'lunch' in total.I wasn't proud of the total amount considering the fact I almost exceeded the limit. However, I managed to un-guilt my conscience with the excuse that our class schedule was tight and it's almost near to impossible to grab a quick lunch. (okay,so we actually had to rush to watch Iron Man 3 on IMAX 3D and ice skate)

Ice skating with Nawwar :3

Had this in class,treated the lab session like a movie lol

Day 3 - it was Labour day and I had food at home. Food choice was out of my control, and to be honest I actually broke the rule by having seafood. That called for a compensation meal out of guilt.

Day 4 - RM3.90 jumping spaghetti (basically just spaghetti with salt,pepper and one chicken sausage) from the food court. No pictures.

Day 5 - Chocolate chip cookies from Subway for lunch,which cost around RM3.

I wasn't really proud of myself yesterday considering I bailed from the challenge earlier than expected by having the following meal for dinner with Kaylee in Spaghetti Grill,Paradigm when we went for another round of Iron Man 3 with Rachel,TK,Amanda & Will .

RM29.95 grilled steak and cheese with peppercorn spaghetti and sauteed veggie T.T

Just as I was thinking of another compensation meal,I found out that there was an electrical power cut-off in my area; I slept the whole night with my family in darkness. Luckily it rained,so it was relatively cold in the house. In a sense,it compensated for the high cost dinner I had considering the "no electricity" experience is also another issue faced due to poverty. 

The Compensation Meal, for day 3. *drum roll*

Homecooked chilli padi fried rice with omelette :) an estimation of RM3.50-RM4 for the day. It's against the norm for me to be having eggs,but again,I'd like to emphasize, it's all for a good cause.

All-in-all, despite the rule-breaking and compensation, I've learnt a lot from this.

1. Limited food makes me appreciate food more, and realize the importance of not leaving any leftovers on the plate,because every grain of rice,every piece of meat/egg/veggie, every tiny drop of gravy, contributes to extinguishing hunger and producing energy as well as contributing to the sustaining of life.

2. The importance of sharing, because sometimes in times of desperation, sharing helps reduce the burden.

3. No electricity gave me an introspective moment to unwind,and escape technology to look deeper into the meanings of life - there are things we often overlook and forget to appreciate, like having a roof to seek shelter with from the heavy rain,having a comfy bed to snuggle in when the day gets too cold and lamps to light the night.

4. Questioning what tomorrow brings - living below the line, we had ourselves questioning "what should we eat tomorrow? how will we survive? what else is there?" Taylor's is not the best place to save up on lunch or any meals at all. At the very least,we still do have a hope for tomorrow, what about those suffering from poverty? Do they have the same fate? Will they still be alive tomorrow? Do they even have a future to look forward to?

5. Resisting temptations - they are all around us. Eating cheap food and resisting 'the good stuff' I usually have for lunch make me realize how hard it is for us as human beings to break the habit and have a sense of self-control. It was hard seeing TK eating creamy pasta in front of me while I'm only having a low cost nasi lemak,knowing clearly which food I prefer. I know for sure that I wasn't the only one.

We tend to complain about food all the time,overlooking the fact that we should be thankful we have food at all,there are people out there (not just in the third world countries) who have to make do with anything edible that's not even a proper meal to begin with,lest they'd die of starvation. Malnutrition rate is high,and this realization is a major eye-opener for each and every one of us.

I felt good,really. I'm looking at the world in a new light. I'm thankful for what I have,and I couldn't ask for more. Alhamdulillah,I am fortunate.

What's My Age Again? - 20 stuff

So uh.. What's my age again? oh right,20. Holy pepperoni I'm no longer a teen! o.O and I haven't gone as far as I targeted when I was 10 a decade ago. This is a wee bit disappointing but nonetheless, I have achieved a lot ever since,then again blogging about them would mean shoving the good stuff into people's faces like you're better than them or something.Instead, I guess here's an obligatory post before the day ends,just a sign of me saying "yay I'm alive and old now,I can do whatever the fuck I want and you people can't tell me otherwise!".. containing nothing but 20 confessions to represent 20 years of life.

Countdown! Not in any order,these are just random things I thought of along the way.

#20 : I am temperamental by nature and I often use my genetically engineered PMS as excuse,even after the scheduled time of the month.

#19 : I cry myself to sleep sometimes, but wake up stronger than ever like nothing happened the night before.

#18 :  I am picky when it comes to dating because I've been in and out of too many relationships,and would like to actually settle down permanently with the next guy I date.

#17 : I am a picky eater - if I were to be a food critique, many cooks would fail miserably.It's hard to please my taste buds,and this applies to music as well.

#16 : I am suffering an early stage of anorexia nervosa - I eat little for fear of getting fat,but no worries,I don't suffer from Bulimia (psychological disease that makes you poke your throat after a meal to make sure you puke)

#15 : I sometimes think I suffer from inferiority complex due to being single for too long,however music makes me more optimistic most of the time.

#14 : Out of the many friends I have, I can say only a handful of them are true friends.

#13 : The primary reason of my pursuing the computing field is the fact that I hate people and prefer working with machines as they are easier to please.

#12 : I've had doubts about pursuing the field I'm currently in (software engineering), until I learnt coding and mathematics. No matter how challenging they are,to me, without challenge life is meaningless.

#11:  I apologize too much even if it's not my fault, I might as well be a Canadian.

#10 : I dislike condiments in general, they contaminate the original flavor of food and seem like degrading the chef - yes indeed,I have the eating mannerisms of a French dude.

#9 : If I could ditch whatever career I'm pursuing to succeed in music, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

#8 : I secretly want to date a bad boy scumbag gentleman like Billie Joe Armstrong or Johnny Depp.

#7 : I love my country, but if I could live the rest of my life as a travelling musician in Europe,that'd be great.

#6 :  There are only two races in the world  - racists and non-racists.Racists should just burn in hell.

#5 : I find my close guy friends' quirks and insanity to be cute; I love them to bits in a platonic way, but I would never date them even if they're the last men on earth.

#4 : I still feel guilty about breaking up with my ex-boyfriends.

#3 : I used to be a gamer, but I quit because I didn't wanna get addicted.

#2 : If it wasn't for the limitations set by my religion,I can be wilder than I seem,heck even with limitations I am already so. I jumped the fence of a concert once to get a better view of the stage,and was part of the crowd surfers.

#1 : I'm in love with the same guy for almost two years and am not afraid to confess,but what's stopping me is the fear of rejection.


I guess that concludes the 20 shocking (or not really shocking) confessions. Happy birthday to me,I guess?

"My friends said I should act my age,what's my age again?" - Blink 182.

Here are the best/most creative/stupid birthday wishes I've had so far:

[imagine a scene in the car,after a whole day's event, exhausted and half-asleep]

"Hey,I'm gonna sound like a jackass but is it okay if I don't wish you happy birthday tomorrow?" - Jitki.
Moron , by asking the question you just acknowledged it. xD

And this one from Shafeeq :

Shafeeq's birthday wish that made me LOL xD

The Adventures of Jinxie McBlitz - Saved By The Boot

Due the chain of events that occurred throughout this week, you now have every right to call me Jinxie McBlitz. Not only have I been unfortunate, I've also been randomly lucky, probably to balance up my misfortune. It started with me quitting the Philharmonic team (which I will blog about later,probably after this post). At first they were planning to perform old songs,but as soon as I quit,I found out that the team decided to do Coldplay 'for the youngsters'. Aw man!

Matt Blitz -  the dude in an all-boys school, right after he left,the school became co-ed.

* Let me further explain what a Blitz is. It's basically an unlucky person who misses out on certain exciting events because he/she bails from his/her gang the earliest.There's no clear reference as to where this word originated from, but in my sense,I first heard the term from an episode of How I Met Your Mother where Barney's the Blitz. The moment he walked out of the room, there's always something cool that happened right after.

The charity fundraising team

Back to the topic, my luck doesn't end there. I've been going to campus for the past three days to attend this fundraising for charity thing,it went well for the first day in spite of the price we decided on the items. This was where having many friends comes to an advantage :D Sales were good at first,but it began to slow down after awhile, so in the midst of the whole charity drive,I decided to invite my friends over to my booth to jam and make some noise to attract passers-by's attention,apparently it worked ; and here's the best part,a random old dude approached me and Leanne after we sang 'Love On Top',offering us a performance gig,which eventually inspired us both to start a trend to jam at random places.

Then again, knowing the universe so well, somehow my bad luck senses were tingling, I'm sure such luck doesn't come without a price to pay. As expected, the universe found its way to balance up the situation ; as I was loading the last of the props from the booth into Yen's car, a bus was waiting right behind us. I assume Yen was hella tired considering the fact he's been working hard with Angyu and the rest of us, so he moved the car without waiting for me to budge --- to my horror,his back tire ran over my right foot as the car was moving forward. Him and Angyu panicked, but luckily the boots I wore somehow acted as a shield; there were indeed car tire marks on the leather but not a single scratch nor swelling showed up on either toe... but the universe decided that I had to be trolled either way. Eventually I discovered my wallet was missing, even when I went to campus the next day, I failed to track it down. I suspected that I've been pick-pocketed, because I swear to God, that wallet was heavy enough for me to notice if it were to fall out of my pocket. Oh well, I guess you win some you lose some. Sure,it was a hassle to renew all my missing documents, but on the brightside, maybe it's a sign that I need a new start? Like what Angyu said,perhaps I need to turn over a new leaf and leave whatever's holding me back behind,learn to let go and move on. RIP awesome wallet, you've been there for me since I was 12,it's about time you retired.

To be honest,the incident did affect me even for a bit, but thanks to the tremendous support from everyone, I managed to pull through,just with the knowledge that people care and they would help in any way possible.I was a bit upset about losing my IC and other important cards in the wallet (that indirectly voided my mum's trust in letting me hold my own cards), but of course, thanks to 'my people',it wasn't so bad after all :D

Remember this Spongebob episode when Spongebob finds himself 'losing his identity' when his nametag went missing?
I know how it felt.It may seem petty,but really,it's a huge deal after all,welcome to adulthood.

This Modern Love Kills Me

"Beauty emanates from every word that you say
And capture the deepest thoughts
In the purest and simplest of ways
But you see
I'm not that graceful like you
Nor am I as eloquent
But just a simple melody
Can change the way that you see me
And right now..

I have you
For a moment I can tell I've got you
Cause your lips don't move
And something is happening
Cause your eyes tell me the truth
I've put a spell over you..

All my life I stumble
But up here I am just perfect
Perfect as i'll ever be... "

-"Spell" by Marie Digby

Ever had this dream after you watch a romantic movie,where music plays in the background,and you're just in the scene itself as the actor/actress? And it all seems perfect enough to be true because it resembles reality in a very scary rate? I've had that for a couple of nights now,and because they were so beautiful and surreal,I've been sleeping in late almost everyday,my sleep has been pleasant and the weather has been promising,not too hot nor too cold. The dream I had for the first few nights was of the scene in The Notebook,where Noah & Allie laid down in the middle of the road,and danced under the traffic lights ; I was Allie but I never really saw whom my partner was, all I knew was he's taller than me. It was all very much like real life,as I've done foxtrot in real life before. In the dream, an instrumental version of "Spell" by Marie Digby was playing in the background,and clearly both 'Noah' & I were crazy about each other, but then the freaky part kicks in when I finally get to see 'Noah's' face ; it was one of my friends! It was downright awkward, and it couldn't get any more wrong than that.What was that supposed to mean anyway?Is my brain playing tricks with me again? I expected Noah to be that someone I've always been head over heels in love with for the past few years,but instead it's someone I least expect! Perhaps it's just my brain telling me to stop overthinking,the pressure was perhaps too much. I think I've been overreacting lately,and overanalyzing things. I should stop caring too much about certain things, before I start feeling emotions I'm not supposed to - something I've always dreaded the most since the day I got friendzoned. I don't know what I feel. Everytime as I fall asleep, all these flashbacks keep coming back to me, it drives me nuts. And I thought I needed this long vacation so badly, it turned out that I'm too free, in spite of the music adventures I'm pursuing.

I guess I have to get more in touch with artistic side.